Barbie

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Special guest post by Laura Petersen, whom you can find on FB.

Appearance
The first thing everybody notices about Barbie, of course, is her body type: she’s a perfect ten inches tall. That’s a lot smaller than most of your friends! She wears high heels though, so nobody ever notices. Sometimes, she’s decapitated Barbie. This means your brother was in your room, and he also probably read your diary. Mom!! Barbie ALWAYS has a smile on her face, even body-less, J. It’s hard to pick Barbie out of a crowd though because she has so many disguises. Ball gowns, Pocahontas costumes, etc. She’s like Where’s Waldo, especially when in Waldo disguise.

Personality & Behaviour
Barbie’s a great role model – she’s a doctor AND a cheerleader. She didn’t even need to go to medical school, that’s just for non-toys. You can also buy Barbie’s boyfriend, Klaus. He’s almost as famous as she is, for his sculpted hair and significant role in the Nazi regime. Barbie has terrible taste in men. Her
friends Skipper and Black Barbie always tell her that. Barbie always wants everyone else to brush her hair and take off her clothes for her (Aqua, 1997). Watch out if she’s your Barbie because it means you’ll be taking care of this shit for life. She doesn’t know how to do it herself because she doesn’t have parents. But come on, she’s also obviously lazy.

Review
Barbie is actually a pretty great girl, she has some personality issues but who doesn’t these days? Barbie is the complete package, plastic, fantastic, (another thing that rhymes with "astic"), Peace.

SCORE
34/24/34

Babies

A tyke with his arms and legs spread-eagled 

Guest post by Peter S, who dislikes our blog.

Appearance

You can ID a new baby because it wasn’t there a second ago, and now, splash, it is. Babies are usually surrounded by people making faces they think babies will like. Babies have lots of different smells, from “new” to “used”. No baby looks like its parent until it finally grows a face. Babies also have more baby mittens than anyone else you know. Also, they almost never wear the same baby mitten twice. Sometimes babies stop breathing for no apparent reason.

Personality & Behaviour
These young tots are part diva, part exotic pet, and very cute acting. Feeding a baby a lemon results in cute sputters, coughs and other signs of distress. Be sure to remove the lemon carefully, or it might get more deeply lodged in the baby’s widdle tiny throat. Babies are poor linguists and have very little endurance or patience for strenuous activity, but that's fine, no one really likes public speaking or marathons, and babies are just up front about it. Sometimes a baby will simply die because it is no longer breathing. This mystic, trippy force who takes the baby away is called Sid. After Sid has strangled these babies, they die and turn to piles of dust. This dust has many practical uses, like covering your best friend in cool dust! Shower time.

Babies stop being babies when a younger baby shows up, or when it starts talking too much. At this point, a baby generally Morphs, like a young soft little worm hatching into a cool butterfly.

Review
Babies are actually pretty great. They have some personality issues but who doesn't these days? Babies are the complete package, placenta, cord, and the womb, Peace.

SCORE
0/17