Lovers

We made a graph of the difference between men and the difference
between women. Read it counter-leftwise from the top.

Appearance
Lovers are beautiful. They have giant swollen lips so that they can kiss across great distances.  Their unlimited beauty is surpassed only by that of the Greek goddess Aphrodite (Afrodite hahahahahahahaha). When lovers make love, you can feel the sexual energy that pulsates from clit to tip. If you imprison a lover so that he cannot reach his mate, he will say, "Lemme at her! Lemme at her!" Eventually, he will either be let at her, or he will die, because you forgot to buy snacks for the prison!! Where is the love? Lovers wear striped shirts with wine and cheese for dinner. Lovers look hot if they're a girl. She can sometimes be really busty, which is why someone loves her, carnally. If lovers are a boy, then they rely on their strength. Here is a list of the girlfriends People Blog Staff has loved: Nora Bright, Marlena Rijn, Alex Brady, Elizabeth Chamberlain, Angela Chen, Edna Cao, Annie Saunders, Lubabah Ben-Ghaly, Lara Roizen, Angela Chen, Angela Chen, Olivia Russin. Phew, what a mental workout, to think of such things. Ahhhhh. Memories. Ahhhhh to be sixteen again, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Yum, it feels fucking great, if you just accept it.

Personality & Behaviour
Love. What is it? It's four different bases: 1) It's the kiss-job (kjob), 2) It's the heavy grappling (wetpetting), 3) It's the oral presentation, 4) It's the best feeling in the world! Lovers get to experience all of these AND anal. But first, you've gotta bullshit some love letters and then sign them. Seal them with hot wax, but be sure to save some for later.... you're gonna need a LOT of wax for the candles so that you'll be able to see her for godsakes. But even though I'm bullshitting this love letter to get her to give sex, I actually do really like her! I swear. It's just that I'm not really good with words, letters, numbers, or licking envelopes (major drymouth), but I WANT her.

Review
Lovers are actually pretty great guys, they have some personality issues but who doesn't these days? Lovers are the complete package, loved, lost, not at all!, Peace.

SCORE
∞/17   and 69

H8aters

Steam Punk

Appearance
H8aters have nine of the most loathsome features. The second feature they have is their red lizard-like eyeballs; the first, a translucent, useful membrane sometimes referred to as a "third eyelid" to protect the lizard-eye during underwater submersion. They wear crisp Lids on their head and spikes on their ears. Their hearts lie in the shallowest of waters, and the color of 'em is a sick tobacco brown, and they pump dead blood throughout what you would technically call a body. Their borrous blacc bones look like they haven't seen sunshine for ages. Skin is burnt, hair is snakes, snakes give you the shakes. What's not to like about the beautiful body of a h8ater? Personally, I'm not a fan of their thoraxes, but that's just me; it's just my opinion. The objectivity of my review is key, however, so actually their thoraxes are a healthy neutral in People Blog's official handbooks. In our armbooks, however, we're a little more lax about issues of subjectivity vs objectivity, so let's just come out and say: FUCK H8ATERS.

Personality & Behaviour
H8aters going to h8. That's what's commonly known about these creatures. You might be surprised to find that H8aters going to love, too, but only when it comes to matters of romance. One thing h8aters hate, for example, is all the watercolour paintings you make as your side hobby. Contrarily, if it's a romantic painting of a lover's embrace, maybe they'd go for it.  Contrarily to that, hell no. But on the other hand, it's just my left hand. H8aters hate lefties. All rapping, riding, and asstapping MUST be done on the right, with no leeway for mistakes or other blunders. If you're with your fly bitch, keep her on the right. Otherwise, h8aters may swoop in for the h8. My interpretation of the phrase "fly bitch" is a woman who is your hot girlfriend that's a fly. You don't feel either way about her hotness, but you are very glad that she has the features of a beautiful fly. But don't forget, her winged visage is only acceptable to the feint of heart. Bravemen, don't come anywhere near my horsefly.

New ¶ (paragraph): let's talk about how h8aters go. I saw a h8ater at the convenience store Ralphs supermarket last year and he is asking for a refund for the expired gatorade he bought -- ie h8atorade. IE, he h9ates h8atorade, and that's why he wanted a refund -- that's h8ate. H8ate expresses itself in all parts of life. Part 1 which is sleep, the h8aters don't like it, they stay awake always. Part 3: Breakfast: eggs, bacon, orange juice, hash browns, g8atorade: that's why they h8ate breakfast: they wish there wasn't any g8ateorade involved. Part 4 is lunch. It's a meal that comes between the others -- a sort of midday feed. H8aters have a casserole. Next up is Part 9: websurfing at home. It's time to go on some forums. 4ums are places you can go to exchange e-mails with literally anyone on the forum Mack Rumors. Like, you can even bump a thread for example, or make it kind of sticky? You can talk about how Mack is going downhill after the tragic suicide of Steven Jobs (RIP 'em up) and about how Unix will be the next dominant iPhone. Hehe, that wouldn't be very PC, would it? Heh.

"I hate you." -H8ater 4738gammaBleenStrength949.

Review
H8aters are actually pretty great guys, they have some personality issues, but who doesn't these days? H8aters are the complete package, Kanye West, everyone who agrees with that piece of trash, and even his family, Peace.

SCORE
-8/17