Wednesday, April 25, 2012


It's the freakin' weekend,
baby, I'm about to have me sum fun
making flutes and charms!~
-Our Kelly


     Their leg protrudes from one of the tubes of a pair of Bermuda Shorts, and the other leg quietly emerges from the adjacent tube. The torso is embalmed in a viscous Hawaiian shirt. The shirt sheathes them like a knight's protective armor, but it is softer and quite different altogether. Like the shorts under them, this Hawaiian thorax tube has two appendages that slither out like eels.
     Hobbyists are quiet, but there is always a gleam in their eyes, from the quiet satisfaction of knowing that their free time is well-wasted.
     "I can't wait to get back to my playspace so I can build a birdhouse. I can only discover my Inner Child through birdhouses," said and explained the hobbyist wryly, as if he were fighting back the urge to chortle.
     Suddenly, he chortled, with a smirk upon his mouth. He had lost the fight, but it didn't matter, because at the end of the day he still was able to get a bird in hand (better than two bushbirds).
     "Now," said the hobbyist with evident delight, "I won't be lacking in feathers tonight for my cancer-ridden wife's bare pubic mound."
     "And," he chuckled to himself, "I can whip up a nice batch of Hobbyists' Soup."
     As if to chastise himself, his eyes rolled back in their sockets, showing only the whites, and he muttered sullenly and loudly, "But I simply can't slurp up all that Hobbyists' BirdSoup without designing and executing a bird costume out of what remains of the feathers once my wife's bush is nice and full... That's no way to eat BirdGoop."
     Finally, he sighed, "And what of the BirdBones? Oh dear."

Personality & Behaviour

     Hobbyists are men and womyn who live most fully in the interstices of their own lives. They like the simpler things in life such as whittling. They also like the simpler things in life such as golf. Additionally, they like the simpler things in life such as gardening and soilworks. They also like the simpler things in life such as tinkering. Anything more complicated than that and you've got a heart attack waiting to happen on your hands (if you're a paramedic with hands, that is).
     I've long believed that all work and no play will make me - Jack - a dull boy. I prefer a healthy sheen to my skin, so I play all day in my workshop until I'm a shiny lad. Sometimes my kids ask what I do in there all day. I tell them to go back to bed. That's a man's business.


     Hobbyists are actually pretty great guys, they have some personality issues, but who doesn't these days? Hobbyists are the complete package, owning an antique car, maintaining an antique car, and buying the damn thing in the first place,



Tuesday, April 24, 2012

A Very Very Very Special Announcement

That's all she wrote. People Blog had its last post (Agents) on January 28, 2012, and our second-to-last post (Beetles) on April 26, 2011. Any subsequent posts are thereby rendered null and void. We have no intention of submitting any more posts to the WebMaster. Any guest posts should be gently dragged into the Recycler Can located on the lower left-hand corner of your computer interface.


Monday, March 19, 2012

Late Bloomers

Shorty wannta hump? ;)
They bloomed really tall in comparison to last year when they were small. Now that's tall. I remember when they had only patches of hair on their head, not a full bush like today. Those were the days. I remember them like those days were the yesterdays. Those days lasted a really long time- naturally. These are Late Bloomers! It used to be that they weren't bloomed, and then later they got bloomed up, so.. Here's one interpretation of Late Bloomers: a girl with no panties all day; towards evening, she puts 'em on. That's hot. Another variety of late bloomer is a gawky tallboy who squawks for talk. He hasn't come in to his own. Later, he will be a handsome stud, but, for now, he is nothing but a hideous, pimply stud- simply crud. That ain't hot. Why do I feel the way I do about these two kinds of late bloomers? That's just the way I bloomed. The last Late Blumer is someone who has yet to read the seminal works of the late ceas'd and desis'd Judy Blume such as Superfudge and Are You There God, It's Me Margaret, about a young girl who's a late bloomer in more ways than one ;). Plus she's a Blumer (by nature). Plus the front cover of the book is a picture of her panties.

Personality & Behaviour
I find it very difficult to talk about bras around my friends. Other boys my age discuss bras with abandon, but I'm still very small and unripe - I haven't bloomt! :/ All the other boys on the schoolyard get hard talking about their favorite abandoned bras, but I definitely do not. I don't know what this talk about A cups, B cups, Cups, and Dups is all about. The only sort of cup I use is a drinking glass that I use to protect my weenie at sports. I hope someday I get big and get to wrap lots of multicoloured bras around my ween. The other thing I would like to try is a vodka tonic. That'll be the day... *sigh* prolly later.

Late Bloomers are actually pretty great bloomers, they have some personality issues, but who doesn't these days? Late Bloomers are the complete package, "Better Late Than Nevah," "It Is Never Too Late To Have Been Who You Might Be", "The tax on capital gains directly affects investment decisions, the mobility and flow of risk capital... the ease or difficulty experienced by new ventures in obtaining capital, and thereby the strength and potential for growth in the economy.Read more:" , Peace.


Monday, March 12, 2012

The Character From All Those Late 80s, Early 90s GoGurt Commercials

A late 80s, early 90s youth - the target demo
for that creative original character
You remember what that pesky GoGurt mascot always wanted: more GoGurt. He would always look so hungry in those ads. Think back to like watching your favorite program when you were a kid. Don't you always associate this mascot with that time period and those favorite characters of yours? Yes, I get so nostalgic every time my brain hearkens back to those innocent days. When I see kids THESE days eating GoGurt, I think, "Man, these kids will never know what GoGurt is really all about, the spirit of these ads is all wrong, I prefer the old ads." The new ads are just about mindcontrolling everyone to buy GoGurt. The old ads, however, were all about presenting a really likable character who just seemed so upbeat and encouraging all the time, with regard to GoGurt exclusively. Do you want to know what he really looks like... ?

Personality & Behaviour
The ol' commercials always started like this: the GoGurt character would always be prowling about, hungry for some GoGurt. Then you'd see some spoiled kids nearby unjustifiably eating GoGurt. The GoGurt mascot would then become justifiably jealous, and would fly up to a high perch from which to observe the kids' slurps. When the kids were just about to finish, invariably the GoGurt mascot would croak left, croak right, and finally to the side. Understandably (justifiably) scared, the children would abandon their nearly finished GoGurts, exiting the forest to return to their towns. The Character would slither toward the abandoned 'Gurt and, well, feed. *Shudder* After that, he'd burrow deep down into the ground, creating an elaborate maze-like tunnel the walls of which he coated in 'Gurt to provide greater slip'n'slide' effect. The camera would look down into the hole, and there he'd be at the bottom, looking up toward the sky, raising his claws to the sky and saying, "I Love GoGurt." Then words would come up on the screen, giving you the following information: "Squeeze and Slurp, Grab and Glurp." And then you'd really know.

The Character From All Those Late 80s, Early 90s GoGurt Commercials is actually a pretty great guy, he has some personality issues, but who doesn't these days? The Character From All Those Late 80s, Early 90s GoGurt Commercials is the complete package, Strawberry, Berry Blue Blast, and Strawberry Splash, Peace.


Friday, March 9, 2012


One thing and one thing only.
Harepeace, pinstriped powersuit, strongjaw, hanky, heavy keys, and a look of desperate, focused thirst. Businssmen are thirsty for one thing and one thing only. Anyways.. Every action they take, every thought they have is like a chess move in a game of Chess -- all potential repercussions exactly calculated in advance on their trusty calculators. One thing they have difficulty typing into their calculators is the equation to love. This is because their fingers are very thick and blunt, and the buttons that represent love are very tiny. However, women care about one thing and one thing only. Anyways..

Personality & Behaviour
It's time to get down to brass tax with this description of BusinesSmen. It's time to get down to business. But first, let's do lunch. When's good for you? I have a 1 o'clock so that's not good for me. I also have a 1 o'clock, so let's be friend! :) That's how business is done in the cutthroat business climate of an office building. You gotta network to stay afloat in this sea of suits.

Here's a good way of remembering what a businessmin is. Like a bee in a hive, a businessman works for a business queen named Boss, and just like a bee in a hive, he feeds his queen honey. Money rhymes with honey, ain't that funny? Bees work for a Queen; bsnsmen work for a boss who's Mean. Bees have stingers, bisinezzmen have fingers. Do you see the metapHornet? Beets me. Bees are yellow, businessmn aren't mellow. Bees have honeycombs, businessmen have haircombs that are covered in honey only by coincidence. Just use this technique whenever you need to remember what a businessman is.

Two more things: they have meetings. They have cubicles.

Businessmen are actually pretty great guys, they have some personality issues, but who doesn't these days? Businessmen are the complete package, The Office, Extras, and Life's Too Short, Peace.


Monday, March 5, 2012

The Very Elderly

A very elderly person (pictured left) sucking the life force
from a young person's hand (pictured right)
Lined and creased like a crumpled up striped shirt, the very elderly contain so many wrinkles that you might even consider reading the book The Wrinkle In Time. Charles Wallace, the precocious boy in the book, can be considered the opposite of very elderly. He is young and sleek, with a fresh, supple body and sharp mind. The very elderly are the opposite, and that's why, to lend focus to our post, we've taken the liberty of crossing out all references to the young sleek Charles Wallace. A vivacious young redhead with flowing locks... cut to 100 years later, knix the lox, that shit's gone grayscale, bald to boot. The very elderly are shriveled in every sense of the word. Shriveled balls, shriveled pussies, and other relevant human parts can be found anywhere on a very elderly specimen. However, sometimes the very elderly opt out of the human race entirely, by replacing their feeble human body parts with cybernetic hipbones. This is why you sometimes walk down the street and see geezers walking around with a profusion of hipbones emanating from what used to be their skullbones or chestual zones. This android issue lends doubt to the common belief that the very elderly might one day "die," for what is death but the decaying of flesh? And where flesh there is none, death can have no fun. Usually, at night, these android very elderly gentlemen and gentlewomen dream of electric sheep. These are known as "nightmares;" no one can stand to see their favorite animal zapped to dust by a lightning streak!!!! Fortunately, special medications are available that bring death to anguished androids. It's called gross negligence. Ew sick!

Personality & Behaviour
The very elderly's very favorite activity is to have gone to war in the past, usually World War 1 or some other epic. They will recount to you the time that they "literally shot a German man" and "watched as he hopped around, holding his foot and shouting "ouch!"" The very olderly love to just lean back and retire. Everything they do, their favorite part is just giving up and retiring. Once he has retired, he's free to live the lounge lizard leisure life. Warm milk err'day and err'night, with warmed, curdled milk for lunch, and grapefruit. I know this could be considered Appearance, but they keep their teeth in water, and they lose them, which will result in a lot of hollering but the best oral sex available. However, there is none available for miles. 78% of the very elderly share a very specific hobby, which is obtaining and collecting tumors, cancers, and other growths until the collection is complete and they can finally rest. The rest of them love heart attacks and accidental deaths. Kaplow! That's a wrap!

The Very Elderly are actually pretty great guys, they have some personality issues, but who doesn't these days? The Very Elderly are the complete package, The Mummy Returns 1, The Mummy Returns 2, The Return of the Mummy 3, Peace.


Tuesday, February 21, 2012


We made a graph of the difference between men and the difference
between women. Read it counter-leftwise from the top.
Lovers are beautiful. They have giant swollen lips so that they can kiss across great distances.  Their unlimited beauty is surpassed only by that of the Greek goddess Aphrodite (Afrodite hahahahahahahaha). When lovers make love, you can feel the sexual energy that pulsates from clit to tip. If you imprison a lover so that he cannot reach his mate, he will say, "Lemme at her! Lemme at her!" Eventually, he will either be let at her, or he will die, because you forgot to buy snacks for the prison!! Where is the love? Lovers wear striped shirts with wine and cheese for dinner. Lovers look hot if they're a girl. She can sometimes be really busty, which is why someone loves her, carnally. If lovers are a boy, then they rely on their strength. Here is a list of the girlfriends People Blog Staff has loved: Nora Bright, Marlena Rijn, Alex Brady, Elizabeth Chamberlain, Angela Chen, Edna Cao, Annie Saunders, Lubabah Ben-Ghaly, Lara Roizen, Angela Chen, Angela Chen, Olivia Russin. Phew, what a mental workout, to think of such things. Ahhhhh. Memories. Ahhhhh to be sixteen again, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Yum, it feels fucking great, if you just accept it.

Personality & Behaviour
Love. What is it? It's four different bases: 1) It's the kiss-job (kjob), 2) It's the heavy grappling (wetpetting), 3) It's the oral presentation, 4) It's the best feeling in the world! Lovers get to experience all of these AND anal. But first, you've gotta bullshit some love letters and then sign them. Seal them with hot wax, but be sure to save some for later.... you're gonna need a LOT of wax for the candles so that you'll be able to see her for godsakes. But even though I'm bullshitting this love letter to get her to give sex, I actually do really like her! I swear. It's just that I'm not really good with words, letters, numbers, or licking envelopes (major drymouth), but I WANT her.

Lovers are actually pretty great guys, they have some personality issues but who doesn't these days? Lovers are the complete package, loved, lost, not at all!, Peace.

∞/17   and 69

Wednesday, February 8, 2012


Steam Punk
H8aters have nine of the most loathsome features. The second feature they have is their red lizard-like eyeballs; the first, a translucent, useful membrane sometimes referred to as a "third eyelid" to protect the lizard-eye during underwater submersion. They wear crisp Lids on their head and spikes on their ears. Their hearts lie in the shallowest of waters, and the color of 'em is a sick tobacco brown, and they pump dead blood throughout what you would technically call a body. Their borrous blacc bones look like they haven't seen sunshine for ages. Skin is burnt, hair is snakes, snakes give you the shakes. What's not to like about the beautiful body of a h8ater? Personally, I'm not a fan of their thoraxes, but that's just me; it's just my opinion. The objectivity of my review is key, however, so actually their thoraxes are a healthy neutral in People Blog's official handbooks. In our armbooks, however, we're a little more lax about issues of subjectivity vs objectivity, so let's just come out and say: FUCK H8ATERS.

Personality & Behaviour
H8aters going to h8. That's what's commonly known about these creatures. You might be surprised to find that H8aters going to love, too, but only when it comes to matters of romance. One thing h8aters hate, for example, is all the watercolour paintings you make as your side hobby. Contrarily, if it's a romantic painting of a lover's embrace, maybe they'd go for it.  Contrarily to that, hell no. But on the other hand, it's just my left hand. H8aters hate lefties. All rapping, riding, and asstapping MUST be done on the right, with no leeway for mistakes or other blunders. If you're with your fly bitch, keep her on the right. Otherwise, h8aters may swoop in for the h8. My interpretation of the phrase "fly bitch" is a woman who is your hot girlfriend that's a fly. You don't feel either way about her hotness, but you are very glad that she has the features of a beautiful fly. But don't forget, her winged visage is only acceptable to the feint of heart. Bravemen, don't come anywhere near my horsefly.

New ¶ (paragraph): let's talk about how h8aters go. I saw a h8ater at the convenience store Ralphs supermarket last year and he is asking for a refund for the expired gatorade he bought -- ie h8atorade. IE, he h9ates h8atorade, and that's why he wanted a refund -- that's h8ate. H8ate expresses itself in all parts of life. Part 1 which is sleep, the h8aters don't like it, they stay awake always. Part 3: Breakfast: eggs, bacon, orange juice, hash browns, g8atorade: that's why they h8ate breakfast: they wish there wasn't any g8ateorade involved. Part 4 is lunch. It's a meal that comes between the others -- a sort of midday feed. H8aters have a casserole. Next up is Part 9: websurfing at home. It's time to go on some forums. 4ums are places you can go to exchange e-mails with literally anyone on the forum Mack Rumors. Like, you can even bump a thread for example, or make it kind of sticky? You can talk about how Mack is going downhill after the tragic suicide of Steven Jobs (RIP 'em up) and about how Unix will be the next dominant iPhone. Hehe, that wouldn't be very PC, would it? Heh.

"I hate you." -H8ater 4738gammaBleenStrength949.

H8aters are actually pretty great guys, they have some personality issues, but who doesn't these days? H8aters are the complete package, Kanye West, everyone who agrees with that piece of trash, and even his family, Peace.


Tuesday, January 31, 2012


I've interviewed hundreds of these smooth-faced
actresses, but this one REALLY stands out
Radiant faces without acne or scars and bodies that are very much what you would want, actors are totally made to star in all the hot new auditions you don't watch. When they talk to you, you never mistake what they're saying, because there is a big sitcom pause at the end of each of their sentences. Every actor has a distinct "look." There are actors with a "Caucasian handsome" look, actors with a "Nordic handsome" look, actors with an "Aryan handsome" look, and some white actors. If you are having difficulty picturing what I mean, watch a movie. Those are full of actors who are just jonesing to perform for you. However, this People Blog entry is not about actors on the screen. Onscreen, they congeal and become acceptable to watch. I am talking about seeing actors at Open Mics, you know, living in LA with a bunch of people around you who just want to make it, they might be living in an apartment with FIVE other people in one bedroom but someday.. I made the mistake of looking at an actor's teeth once, and now I am blind- don't look at those voodoo teeth! I hate these Hindu fucks.

Personality & Behaviour
Actors obey their Agents. Or at least they act like they do. ;) But is there any specific way an actor acts? Actors act lots of ways -- that's acting! Therefore, their Personality & Behaviour most closely identifies with that of a chameleon man. These charmeleons flit from scene to scene, laughing, crying, and the rest. Sometimes I imagine that everyone I know is just an actor and I'm the only real person on this planet. At such times, I experience profound despair- true pathos like the movies. I wring my hands and wail my voice, while looking up into the rainy sky (I'm imagining this from an aerial perspective). If there's a God, he made a bunch of actors to make this cool movie called Earth, and I'm the punchline. Ha! Too bad this is one movie you can't rewatch when it's over; I'm referring to death. Death is like the end of the movie that you can't ever see again- you have to rent a new movie from Redbox. Unfortunately, the only movie available is Eternal Hell.

Actors are actually pretty great guys, they have some personality issues, but who doesn't these days? Actors are the complete package, Alec Baldwin (the oldest), Daniel Baldwin (the second in command), William (Billy) Baldwin (the Billy in command), and Stephen Baldwin (the youngest) -- it's a true Hollywood miracle, Peace.

Oscar/17 --PSYCHE!!! JK I was just acting!! Golden Globes/17

Saturday, January 28, 2012


A rare insight into how we write our papers
Black suit, dark shades, with an ear worm in the usual place, these guys are totally incognito and impossible to differentiate from each other. Their faces are international-style with a clean shave. Humorless visage: no laughs will dance across their faces until Neo's dead. When Neo does deign to die, however, there is great merriment throughout the agent community. At the store, agents will be overheard chatting vivaciously about the latest Dead Neo. During these times, ladies in long multicolored patchwork dresses walk through the bustling market, nearly dropping their baguettes. At all other times, agents are grimly stationed at different coordinates throughout the gridglobe. They've pocketed their smiles for another day, and the ladies in long multicolored patchwork dresses have been returned to their holding facilities.

Personality & Behaviour
Trained and disciplined like a monk, but, unlike a monk, these guys' only religion is totalitarianism in government and cyberrule in war, NOT Judaism. These guys have to be ready to point, shoot and obliterate any and all Neos or other cyberpunks. They do not appreciate having their minds expanded - in ANY direction. In their free time, they do not go to art museums or volunteer at the Echo Park Film Center running concessions or whatever they need that night. Anything else is fair game; agents have to have some fun once. Back to on the job. When they are on the job (24/7/365/lifespan), agents must constantly kidnap Morpheus- as much as possible. They must inform him that mankind is like a virus, a disease, a cancer of this planet. They can also opt for other jeers such as "You've never lived up to my expectations, not even 1% of them, not even 9% of them." Too bad for the agent, It's Morphin' Time. The agent collapses, and Morpheus is free to be captured again some other time. This is how I perceive agents. And this is what I believe to be their routine. 

Agents are actually pretty great boys, they have some personality issues, but who doesn't these days? Agents are the complete package, Mister Smith, Missus Smith, and (if they had a baby) Baby Smith Jr, Peace.


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