Beekeepers

"What do we have here? ;)"

special guest post by Tack Haberdash, author of MYTHS RETOLD!

Appearance
Beekeepers have arms and hands, and most of them even have legs! Beekeepers have faces, too, but you wouldn't know it because they wear suits originally designed by NASA for astronauts who also need to be professional Beekeepers. When not in uniform, Beekeepers can often be identified by their luxurious beards. Don't get too close though! Chances are, that beard is made of fierce bees! Also the hair on top of their heads is bees. Does the carpet match the drapes? Only if the carpet is made of bees! All Beekeepers are males, or they might as well be because you can't see boobs through those suits anyway.

Personality & Beehaviour
If bees are not properly kept, they will go bad and/or we will not be able to find them when we need them. Bees are important because they are a good source of honey and hurting people. Thus Beekeepers are a vital part of society. They establish their dominance as the "Alpha Bee" by dressing up as a giant bee and punching any bees that get too big for their bee britches. In Olde England, British kings used to sleep with their hounds in order to develop a closer bond with their animal pals. Beekeepers do not sleep with their bees because they would crush them or get stung and also that is stupid. Beekeepers are always telling people to "bee careful" or "buzz off" because they like bees so much that they want to talk about them even when bees are not the topic of conversation! When a Beekeeper wants you to mind your own business, you will know because he will tell you to "mind your own beeswax."

Review
Beekeepers are actually pretty great guys, they have some personality issues but who doesn't these days? Beekeepers are the complete package, black, yellow, and blacknyellow, Peace.

SCORE
Bee + /17

Beetles

These four Beetles have landed a wedding gig! Bon Marriage!

Appearance

Beetles are men on a musical team consisting of four players: John Lemon, Paul McCarthy, Ronnie Star, and George Harris, but he's dead, and John Lemon is dead. Some say that Paul is Dead, but he was definitely at Coachella and he sang the fuck out of "Baby Im Amazed." If you listen to the songs backwards, they'll sound bad. Some people say "the pen is mightier than the sword," but a true Beetle would argue that the rock guitar is mightier than the sword, and it weeps gently. Beetles worship a Queen and have bad teeth; they also speak in a British accent. Whatever you do, don't get on their bad side, because you might anger Big Ben. I wonder if they are worried about Bigger Ben. I wonder how they like their coffee -- with sugar, with cream? NOPE - with tea! I lay awake wondering if there are other British stereotypes. Maybe... Maybe...maybe... Yes! There is! It is that British girls are ugly.

Personality & Behavior

Beetles are born songsters, but their repertoire is limited to Beatles songs. Some famous Beatles songs that they sing are Strawberry Fields Forever, Help! I Need Somebody Not Just Anybody, and War Pigs by Black Sabbath. Beetles are widely remembered for doing Drugs back in the day. The Drugs famously made them choose ugly colors for their album art. Another bad side effect was that they got expanded minds -- ouch! John Lemon's mind got way too expanded in 1980 and it trickled out of his rear headhole!!!! This is known as an "assassination." Yoko Oh-no! I wonder if other Beetles had girlfriends too. The best Beetle is George Harris.

Review
Beetles are actually pretty great guys, they have some personality issues but who doesnt these days? Beetles are the complete package, Eggman, Walrus, and Goo Goo G'Joob, Peace.

SCORE

Number 9 /17

Strangers

Appearance
A stranger probably seems nice, and maybe they have blonde hair, what do I know? Tall, short, who knows? They definitely could be a girl or a man, that's for sure. It's possible there's a stranger out there you don't even know. His name could even be Salc, but another possible spelling is Salk. But we're not here to bicker about the spelling of the great American name Salck. A stranger is literally a grab bag. Anyone can be a stranger, even your best friend, provided you've never even met the guy. One can know only so many people; life is short! The only consistent thing about strangers is their long, tattered traveling cloaks and their deep-set, sunken eyes, which look jaded and world-weary.

Personality & Behaviour
Strangers are wispy beings- you can never seem to grasp them. They are always one step ahead. The only way to kill a stranger is to add him as a friend. If you ever find yourself cornered by a stranger, ask him what his interests are, who he be with, what numbers to dial. If the stranger considers this line of questioning too intrusive, take another approach. Everyone's different. Zalc has his own rhythms, and you need to keep in mind that sometimes two people just won't mesh. You have to step 2 the beat!! 1, 2. 1, 2. 1, 2. 1, 2. Also keep in mind that you are a stranger to others as well, which is why they will be asking you the same questions. Thus, true dialog is impossible in the modern age. Our generation is too Wired and Plugged In. Get off Facebook! Join Friendster.shrek

Review

Strangers are actually pretty great people, they have some personality issues but who doesnt these days? Strangers are the complete package, who, what, and where, Peace.

SCORE
?/17

Innocent Bystander

Dead from a gun's bullets.

special guest post by Alex Kavutskiy, featured on Sports Fan Fiction

Appearance
Innocent bystanders have big, naive eyes. These eyes can be brown, green, or preferably blue. The bigger, the better I always say. These eyes are used to see the world in a simpler, more beautiful way. Innocent bystanders are often women or children. Plain looking women and children. Innocent bystanders are white.

Personality & Behaviour
Innocent bystanders are known to wander through violent gang territory on their way to the grocery store, neighborhood rec center, church, volunteering, or school. Innocent bystanders are only identified after they are shot and killed. They live in and explore dangerous neighborhoods. Innocent bystanders wander around safe neighborhoods as well but we don't know about them since they aren't shot and killed. If an innocent bystander were to violently r*pe and kill someone, he wouldn't be so innocent after all, would he? He'd be a bystander. Another thing it would be bad for an innocent bystander is to graverob.

Review
Innocent bystanders are actually pretty great guys, they have some personality issues but who doesnt these days? Innocent bystanders are the complete package, rock, paper, and scissors, Peace.

SCORE
9/17

Men

"Get this off of me!!!" -- Salc

Appearance
Men have muscular physiques -- with a dong. They have short hair. They never wear dresses because those are not for men. Pants are for men, and when you see a man, he's in 'em. Adam was the first man, and his apple is in the gullet of the other ones. The man is usually seen wearing his nose in the masculine fashion. Toot, toot! goes the man's nose.

Personality & Behaviour
A day in the life of a man: He drives his racecar to the office, and then he gets out!! Next step is to work. Work, work, work. Men hate work but they're responsible men, that's what they do.  After work they have The Big Game to look forward to at dusk. His choice of beer is Bud Lite + Clamato. The night would be perfect, but it's too bad the lawnmower needs fixing! The man goes straight to his hammer. There! Fixed! After Sheila has put the Kids to bed, it's time for sex.  The gentleman prefers oral, but if he doesn't get it every night, that's ok. He does thrusts, and then there's the sperm! Then it's time for work again!!!!!!!! By the way, he speaks in a deep voice.

Hobbies of Men: Discus, Power, Marlboro, Target Practice, and the good life.

Men in the Media: Method Man, Red Man, U-God.

Review
Men are actually pretty great guys, they have some personality issues but who doesn't these days? Men is the complete package, tall, dark, and handsome, Peace.

SCORE
13/17

Women

"Need a ride?" ;)

Appearance
The woman has a delicate frame, +breasts. The first thing you will notice about a woman is her flowing locks. Her dreadlocks often fall upon her shoulders, like ropes made of thick, human hair. I like a girl with REAL nice curves. Sometimes, when a girl walks by, phew! What a knock out woman that was! She's built like a Dodge Ram. Four wheel drive, power steering, AC, 998 hp (horse power), hatchback, $36,999 MSRP, 0% APR financing for 36 months. And I'm callin' shotgun on this one, boys. She really revs my engine! I feel like a blue Chevy Tahoe. 2 wheel drive, power steering and windows, AC, heated seats, no trunk.

Personality & Behaviour
Women have babies, and the babies themselves are sometimes women, and sometimes men. When a woman's baby is in trouble, she gets strong muscles to lift the bus.  The last thing a woman wants is for her newborn baby to be squished. It takes 9 months to get!

Women are from Venus. That's far! Try getting there by foot, it can't be done. It takes literally zillions of years for them to reach Earth, and often they need to get the hull of their plane fixed at the halfway point between Earth and Venus, and gas is also so expensive these days, because of George W Bush and his stupid war for oil.  Once they reach Earth, it's time to play hard to get. Women usually have Numbers that they can be reached at, which they NEVER give out. Once you get it, it will still be difficult to reach them because they leave their phones in the car. Phones should NEVER be left inside of the car in Southern Cali for too long, because they will Melt.

Review

Women are actually pretty great girls, they have some personality issues but who doesnt these days? Women are the complete package, 36, 24, 36, Peace.

SCORE
17/17

George W. Bush

Appearance

"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream."

 -DUBYA

No war FOR OIL
HE LOOKS like such a MONKEY, the emperor has no brains!!!
Guess DADDY helped you get elected!!!! BACK WHEN YOU WERE A CHEERLEADER AT YALE
ANYWAYS, you look so DUMBBB!!! Dick (guess what THAT MEANS) did all the work AND he also shot a man. His friend, no less.  CONDOLEEZA RICE WHAT IS THA TRA MECIAXAXN
 DISH?>

Personality & Behaviour
9/11 was an inside job.

Review
George W. Bush is actually a pretty great president, he has some personality issues but who doesnt these days? George W. Bush is the complete package, legislative, executive, and judicial, Peace.

SCORE
WE HAD TO USE A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SCALE FOR THIS LOSER.
0/100

MoveOn.Org

Terrorist

He's certainly not going skiing today...

special guest post by Ariel Gardner of Sports Fan Fiction

Appearance
Brown skin, Black Hair. Often bearded, sun-glassed and hooded with cloth, whether it be a turban or a sweatshirt. Sometimes a shaggy haired cave dweller, other times a dapper man-about-town. Armed with a heavy machine gun or chest explosives, so don't mess with this cowboy.

Personality & Behaviour
Terrorist is a real rough and tumble rock and roller with radical ideas and extreme principles. He's coming out at you by air, by land or by sea. Fear is his game, Habib is his name. It's his way or the highway, so shape up or ship out.

Review
Terrorist is actually a pretty great guy, he has some personality issues but who doesn't these days? Terrorist is the complete package, crime and punishment, Peace.

SCORE
9/11

My Friend

The back of friends.

Appearance
You can recognize a true friend immediately by that special twinkle in his eye. The friend has good body language that's conducive to two-way communication.  Sometimes the friend will have strong hands.  Most friends have tattoos across their foreheads that read "Friend." If you ever see someone with a tattoo like this, but it is misspelled, watch out!! Its probably a fiend!! This situation is an example of fools gold.

Personality & Behaviour
The word "friend" originally is derived from a word meaning "seed," because friendship is the seed that grows into happiness for all of the friends. The friend is very nice and fun to be around. Sometimes he'll be mean, but it will be in a way you like, and you'll both know it. But remember, the best of friends make the worst of enemies. Keep your friends far and your enemies close. A friend in need is a friend indeed. A friend in hand is worth two friends!! The only unsinkable ship is the U.S.S. Friend Ship! 

Review
My friend is actually a pretty great friend, he has some personality issues but who doesnt these days? My friend is the complete package, healthy, wealthy, and wise, Peace.

SCORE
14/17

Susan B. Anthony

The first portrait painted of a woman.

special guest post by Alex Kavutskiy, featured on Sports Fan Fiction

Appearance
In her prime, Susan B. Anthony was ugly.

Now: Oh boy. Dead, rotting, gross.

Personality & Behaviour
What Susan B. Anthony lacked in looks (and I mean LACKED), she makes up in personality. She did so much for civil rights and women's rights. The list goes on and on! If she hadn't invented civil rights, the Indian would still be our slave and if she hadn't come up with women's rights, things would be wrong-- women's wrongs. Fighting for rights is a brave honor that many men fight for and she won the battle. People have so many rights these days, we don't even know what to do with them. Maybe if we all lived in Heaven, we could ask Susan B. Anthony. Another thing about her personality is she was really good at cheering up people who were sad.

Review
Susan B. Anthony was actually a pretty great hag, she had some personality issues but who doesnt these days? Susan B. Anthony is the complete package, breakfast, lunch, and dinner, Peace.

SCORE
16/17