Tuesday, December 20, 2011


I got a chopper in the car
“Zoooooooom!” Blurred and slurred, the zoomer has a recklessly fast and determined face. His tongue is out on the side of his mouth, flapping in the wind like a weather vane in a tempest. Really though, the tempest is him. If he were zooming any less, perhaps you’d be able to make out the colour of his car, a deep and merciless yellow with stripes of fake-painted-on licks of hellfire from the planet’s core. Usually it’s some beaner driving his ricerocket pimp Cadillac 50 MPH in a school zone.

As the chromed wheels spin, they emit loud shrieks of pain from the abuse they suffer as they are mercilessly curbstomped head-over-wheels over and over, again and again, until they implode from the pain. But as every wheel knows, no pain, no gain. That’s why these sick wheels seem to derive pleasure from the punishment they endure. It’s called hardcore S and M. As for what they gain for the pain, that’s obvious, as these zoomers are constantly gaining on me as I drive from point A to point B.

Personality & Behaviour
These zoomers are contestants in a race -- against themselves. They’ve got a deadline to meet and they can’t use their signal or make any safe maneuvers that you like. Their deadline is that they need to get to the next street in under 5 seconds. Since they never succeed they are constantly frustrated at themselves and other drivers. They are constantly yelling “Fuck!” so that the individual utterances of “fuck” blend together to form a ceaseless murmur of sound, incomprehensible to all but other zoomers. Sadly, a zoomer will never meet another zoomer face to face, except in a head-on collision when they’re drunk as fuck. When the zoomer finally arrives at his destination, he needs assistance in exiting his vehicle because his jelly legs won’t carry him. His caretaker is kept in the trunk of his lambo, where he gets naught but carcrumbs for dinner. These caretakers often perish on the way, but even after death they offer a valuable functionality as a landraft for their feeble wards. Gosh, zoomers are fast.

BTW, this isn’t a joke -- go see Drive, directed by Nicholas Winding Refn, starring Ryan Gosling and Carrey Mulligan, and Albert Brooks, and Hal from Malcom in the Middle and Ron Perlman from Hellboy.

Zoomers are actually pretty great guys, they have some personality issues but who doesnt these days? Zoomers are the complete package, fast, furious, tokya drift, Peace.


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