Hairy Potter

Here's Hairy, or did you think this was a common furball? ;)

Appearance
Can't really see him under all that goddamn hair. Bigfoot would be proud, or maybe ashamed to lose the contest of Hairiest Potter. No brush or comb could do justice to his beautiful luscious golden locks until he learned magic and got off the hair. Anyways, Hairy Potter is this one wizkid who looks like the acclaimed British starr Dan Radcliffe, except, well, with more hair! You're gonna want to sit down, because you won't believe some of these factoids. If you were to count the individual hairs on Hairy Potter the character's body, you would find very, very many -- an impossibly high number of human hairs. If, say, a computer were to process his hair into a computer database, you'd need a database larger than normal to accommodate the massive amount of unique hair files. The number of human hairs on Hairy Potter's young body is larger even than the number of snows on Mt. Everest. Not even the disciplined Buddhist monks who tend to the Mt. have ever counted even half of the snows -- must sherpas die trying? All they would have to do is count Hairy's fucking hairs, anyway.

Personality & Behaviour
The hairs begin to grow as deep as 2 cm under the skin, and, get this, they are made of the same material as your fingernails, assuming your fingernails are made of thin, oily human hairs. After that, provided the host gets the proper nutrients, the hairs have a long journey to go. They rupture the skin, bleeding as they go, with nary a care in the world. Luckily, the host's scabby appearance is great. Most people think it's fucking awesome. And anyway, growing pains are just part of life. Once your body has been engulfed with hair, it's time to find a position as a Hairy Potter. Unfortunately, there is but one. It's up to you now to carve your own niche in this habitat we call L.A.

Review
Hairy Potter is actually a pretty great wizkid, he has some personality issues but who doesn't these days? Hairy Potter is the complete package, blonde, brunette, or nothin, Peace.

SCORE
8/17

Wizkids

Lee "Michael Jordan" Jordan faithfully recreated
in the Sims 3 by Matthew and Travis

Appearance
Robed, strobed, and ready to roll, Wizkids are the best! Picture a Wizkid- now, rotate him 90-degrees in your mind's eye. Add a drop of magic and there it is. The image ensnares the senses, tantalizes your very brains. In reality though, the Wizkid can't even look like that, ever. Actually, they look like short nerds with bad fashion and glasses to top off your bad impression, acne too. Smart, though, to the bone. Only booksmarts, though, no real common sense. Though, he may be really tall, like super tall. However, this also might not be the case. One famous nerd got wheelchaired, but he can't talk. Even though Einstein never got good grades in school, he still ended up completely paralyzed and invented the H-bomb. To this day, dead victims of the H-bomb DO NOT read A Brief History of Time. Anyways, Einstein was mostly famous for his hair which is now a Wizkid classic.

Personality & Behaviour
These brainiacs can do many spells. If they're bad, they do dark magic. And if they're white, they tend to do better, overall. White magic is used to make things look prettier, better genes. Dark magic, however, is apeshit. White magic, on the other hand, babeshit. But, on the other hand, dark magic is completely evil and only Voldemorts use it. Third hand, white magic can't jump. Can't dance, either. But black people can do both. Picture this. An awkward old white fart trying to score a basketball jump. Try as he might, he can't get lift off. Eddie Murphy slythers up from behind, jumps and scores. Blastoff. Houston, we got game. Basically, Eddie Murphy is the best and frankly I cant wait to see him in Harry Potter. Another option is for him to be in the Nutty Professor, but either way there's gonna be movie magic happening on screen. White wizkids talk like this: Sir, please. But black wizkids are more like: hey, sir, please, buddy.

Review
Wizkids are actually pretty great guys, they have some personality issues but who doesnt these days? Wizkids are the complete package, the abra, the kadabra, and the kazaaam (sp), Peace.

SCORE
17/17 (Impossible, a wizkid's work!!)

Smeagle

Gallum and... Emma Watson Completely Nude (you'll shit bricks)

Introduction

This week on People Blog, we have a special treat for you, the audience. Treat is.. Daniel Radcliffe submitted this guest post, the acclaimed British star.

Appearance
Gollum looks like a little old wonderful man. He has bulging eyes, a pocket full of delicious butterscotch candies, and great stories dating back to Operation Gulf War by George W Bush. He is very (my) precious and doesn't have all his teeth or normal sized ears. Ugly but in a cute, gross way.

Personality & Behaviour
Gollum is a house helper who helps Sam Wizard and Elijah Woods. They need to find the ring or potions and throw it into the fires but only before it's too late. After that, it will be too late. He talks to himself and has another name, Liv Tyler. Liv Tyler likes the ring because she's a Jersey Girl and it makes people and/or house helpers become invisible. His other personality is Aragorn (sp), King of People. In the movie Bilbo Baggins and the Two Towers, Argorn is played by Vigo Mortensen of the Purple Rose of Cairo (jk, April Fools Days, 2011). Vigo Mortensen's split personality is Orlanda Bloon (sp) who is Pirates. Gollum's personality is very introverted. And by introverted, I of course mean that he is the type to fall into volcanoes, which are nature's goblets of fire. Gollum once wisely said, as he was walking into Mortork, "One does not simply walk into Mordor, my precious". Gollum twice wisely said, "16", in response to Gimmles when Gimmles
asked him how many Ents he killed. Gollum's other personality Pipi likes second breakfast but he shall not pass.

Review
Gollum is actually a pretty great guy, he has some split-personality issues but who doesn't these days? Gollum is the complete package, return, of, the, king, Peace.

SCORE
0/17

Alert:

Full Disclosure:

April Fools Day! It's by My Friend, not Daniel Radcliffe