Voldemort II

"Avada-Kedavra!!!!!"

Appearance

What more is there to say? He's Voldemort, too. In the first book, a chalk-white-man with blood-red-eyes and slits-for-nostrils like a snake named Voldemort tried to kill Harry Potter (with Quirrels). 

Personality & Behaviour

In the second book, Voldemort tries to kill Harry using the Chamber of Secrets. And, last but not least, in the seventh book, Harry Potter and Voldemort have the ultimate showdown. But what if director David Yates had decided to continue his series......... He would have to introduce a new Voldemort, inevitably entitling the man Voldemort II.Well, that's history now, and Voldemort Two is even more menacing than Voldemort the First. Anyways, there is only one distinguishing feature between the two super-villains, which is that Voldemort 2 is slightly inhibited. He needs to get really drunk with butter-beer before Avada-Kedavra. Once he has had a couple of butter-beers from his powerful Goblet of Fire, don't get in his way ---> He's completely drunk. If he gets in his car, he''ll be able to Avada-Kedavra you completely to death with hit-and-run. The only way to stop Voldemort 2 is to wait it out. Alternatively, you can use a shield. This completely shuts him out. He can't get in. But whatever happened to Voldemort 1 anyway? Well, that's another story...

Review

Voldemort 2 is actually a pretty great guy, he has some personality issues but who doesnt these days? Voldemort 2 is the complete package, Fred, George, and Dobby, Peace.

SCORE

2/17

A Special Announcement

This week is Harry Potter week.
Time to board the Hogwarts Express..

-People Blog

All Sorts of Types of Little Dogs

DOG (Type X-34999canus)

Appearance

Yip! Here, at People Blog Headquarters, we LUV all sorts of dogs. In this post we are going to focus on All Sorts of Little Types of Dogs! There are big ones, little ones, and in-between (medium).. Their coats are well-brushed and have a healthy sheen. Mostly, these dogs look like little Sparkys. What is happening to me? Oh wait, we forgot!! It's PEOPLE blog, not DOGBLOG! For the rest of the review, let's see what the Personality & Behaviour of the common Boy is like.

Personality & Behaviour

Little boys are generally well-fed and they love to sleep. There's nothing more satisfying for a boy than to sit in a corner with its favorite bone! Dogbone, that is. The boy will shit on the floor at first, but then you hit it with News brand paper, and it will shit right. Good boy! Good boy, Spike, my boy! Then, the boy calls out to his bois, and what have you got? A litter! And then, one of the litter gets a Girlfriend, and it all starts again! A pregnant bitch can birth as many as 101 live dalmatians.

Review
All Sorts of Types of Little Dogs are actually a pretty great kind of dogs, they have some personality issues but who doesnt these days? All sorts of Types of Little Dogs are the complete package, Lab, Chocolate Lab, Hot Dog Dog, Peace.

SCORE
2/17

Indians

Dont look into T-Hawk's eyes!

Appearance
Squanto wears feathers all over himself. His beautiful lineage is leather faced, like some leather jacket. Carved by the wind, nurtured by some bison, Indians are the best. They look awesome! The dots on their foreheads between their eyes are almost like a third eye or something. Never have you considered it to be a third ear, but Indians can hear really well. That's why they call them Indians for godsakes. When Chris Columbus got here, he said that the Indians looked weird and strange. A white person wasn't used to all the beads and shit. But looking forward, we see that Americans have incorporated Indian shit in culture, such as beads and shit.

Personality & Behaviour
Ever seen a game of baseball? The Cleveland Indians win every time. First they take the bat, and then they keep their eyes on the ball, and the rest is history. When they aren't World Champs, they can engage in powwows, which are big stores to buy Indian shit. When we got off the ships, all we knew how to eat was corn but they expanded our diets to include maize too, a kind of corn on the cobb. Then we said Thanks for Giving, and split. Thought we forgot about Pocahontas? She was the first Indian girl, no problem. What else? Sacajawea... inspired the invention of spell check lol AND the modern dollar. Crazed Horse was faster than any horse yet, but could he outrun the champion? And what about Mohawk Indians, what's up with that.

Review
Indians are actually pretty great native americans, they have some personality issues but who doesnt these days? Indians are the complete package, the mayflower, the pinto, and the Santa Maria, Peace.

SCORE
unsettled

Giles

Giles in the process of crucifying a vamp

Appearance
Rubert Giles is a man who looks like a serious man, and he has glasses for checking. One thing I can say about Giles is his jaw is strong, but when does that ever come into play? I can think of only one explanation... jawbreakers!! Giles's jaw has never been broken by ANY professional jawbreaker. Giles is portrayed on tv by Anthony stewart Head, who looks completely identical to Giles. Head's Giles is more of a classical Giles, which is different from the very Radical Giles I envision in my own head. In my world, Giles is more of a slime, maybe two steps removed from a biojelly. But that's just my opinion, and, as Giles would be the first to point out, everyone is welcome to his own opinion.

Personality & Behaviour
Krupert Giles is a man in the tv Buffy the Vampire Slayer for killing vamps. He does it with guns, swords, and weapons. The weapons he favors are Knives, and machetes. He'll make the vampires dead by spearing them, usually with various poisons he employs in vamps' drinks. For example: Pepsi, diet pepsi, cola, gatorade (orange), creme de menthe, and deadly poison. Even though Giles nowadays might seem like a stodgy old man, he was actually quite the stodgy young boy earlier, before all this. Giles wishes he could wash his hands. But blood is permanent on hands, especially the hands of a true buffy like Giles. Go with the flow Giles said inwardly to himself. Dapper, he replied, cheerio good mate.

Review
Giles is actually a pretty great buffy, he has some personality issues but who doesnt these days? Giles is the complete package, scooby, dooby, and doo, Peace.

SCORE
16/17

My Writing Partner

Which is which??

Appearance
My writing partner looks like a big nance. NO one can stand his stupid face, and his curly pube hairs. GETTING TOO REAL??? Well let me tell you that I don't have any pubes on my head, just like you don't have any brains in that head of yours! All you got is fluff stuff!  Just like the Pooh Bear. MY writing partner doesnt even have hands, the stupid cunt. How can you grab? No grab. Well, let me tell you about MY writing partner- how can he tell I am handsless with eyeslessness? Haha, um... You think you got me with that one?? Eyelessness? That's arguably false. No!Yes!NoYES! :( :) >:)

Personality & Behaviour
My writing partner is uncouth and also a dyke. The behavior of MY writing partner mimics that of a complete dyke. I can't even believe I have to work with this faggot, let alone come to terms with my lesbianism. OK so you think you can get the audience on your side just by putting in a bunch of SAT words? I didn't even study!! and I got an A+. You failed, rememeber?? No, I DON'T. Those times were a blur for me. I was too busy. OK. OK. I get it. You hate me. But remember when we made that pact to always be friends??? Some friend.

Alright, you're right. We're gonna have to make it up to each other somehow..

Review
My writing partner is actually a pretty great writing partner, he has some personality issues but who doesnt these days? My writing partner is the complete package, edgar, allan, and poe, Peace.

SCORE
Who can put a price on friendship? 11/17

Nico

Spooky? Sexy? Which one do you choose???

What do you think of Nico?

special guest post by Ariel Gardner, co-host of Ben & Ariel Live From College

Appearance
Dead but, blonde hair, blue eyes, tall and pretty in a scary and masculine kind of way, which you're kind of into. You may recognize Nico from her appearances in biographies of culturally significant people. If you were an iconic artist in the late 60's, you probably had sex with Nico in passing.

Personality & Behaviour
Nico has a tendency to linger, but she'll score you some big points in the art scene, I think. She is at the same time awe-inspiring and pathetic. But she'll be your mirror, reflect what you are.

Review
Nico is actually a pretty great accoutrement. She has some personality issues, but who doesn't these days? Nico is the complete package, pomp, romp and circumstance, Peace.

SCORE
12/17

Wisecracking Best Friend

Steve Zahn in Saving Silverman (2001)

special guest post by Ben BenAry, co-host of Ben & Ariel Live From College 


Appearance
The dimensions of the Wisecracking Best Friend depend on that of his protagonist counterpart.  Whereas the protagonist is classically good looking, his clever cohort may be of the short and rotund variety.  Likewise the Wisecracking Best Friend may be tall and gangly if that contrasts better with his romantically entangled companion.  In the rare instance when the protagonist is a white male, this opens the door for a black or Jewish Wisecracking Best Friend.  The Wisecracking Best Friend does not care too much about his appearance, as he has always had his hilarious wisecracks to fall back on.

Personality & Behavior
The Wisecracking Best Friend is a sounding board for our more handsome, but less comically gifted protagonist.  He can dole out advice, but his specialty is zingers.  They may be at the protagonist's expense, but they may also be at his own.  If it weren't for the protagonist, the Wisecracking Best Friend wouldn't have any friends, and thus no one to enjoy to enjoy his antics.  The Wisecracking Best Friend usually has an ex-girlfriend on whom he is still fixated, but she has long since moved on.  She's with some bland jerk now, who couldn't hold a candle to the Oscar Wilde-esque wit of the Wisecracking Best Friend.  She'll see.

Review
The Wisecracking Best Friend is actually a pretty great guy.  He has some personality issues, but as he might quip, "What else is new?"  The Wisecracking Best Friend is the whole package, Groucho, Chico, and Harpo (but not Zeppo, he was the straight man).  Peace.


SCORE
19/17

Beekeepers

"What do we have here? ;)"

special guest post by Tack Haberdash, author of MYTHS RETOLD!

Appearance
Beekeepers have arms and hands, and most of them even have legs! Beekeepers have faces, too, but you wouldn't know it because they wear suits originally designed by NASA for astronauts who also need to be professional Beekeepers. When not in uniform, Beekeepers can often be identified by their luxurious beards. Don't get too close though! Chances are, that beard is made of fierce bees! Also the hair on top of their heads is bees. Does the carpet match the drapes? Only if the carpet is made of bees! All Beekeepers are males, or they might as well be because you can't see boobs through those suits anyway.

Personality & Beehaviour
If bees are not properly kept, they will go bad and/or we will not be able to find them when we need them. Bees are important because they are a good source of honey and hurting people. Thus Beekeepers are a vital part of society. They establish their dominance as the "Alpha Bee" by dressing up as a giant bee and punching any bees that get too big for their bee britches. In Olde England, British kings used to sleep with their hounds in order to develop a closer bond with their animal pals. Beekeepers do not sleep with their bees because they would crush them or get stung and also that is stupid. Beekeepers are always telling people to "bee careful" or "buzz off" because they like bees so much that they want to talk about them even when bees are not the topic of conversation! When a Beekeeper wants you to mind your own business, you will know because he will tell you to "mind your own beeswax."

Review
Beekeepers are actually pretty great guys, they have some personality issues but who doesn't these days? Beekeepers are the complete package, black, yellow, and blacknyellow, Peace.

SCORE
Bee + /17

Beetles

These four Beetles have landed a wedding gig! Bon Marriage!

Appearance

Beetles are men on a musical team consisting of four players: John Lemon, Paul McCarthy, Ronnie Star, and George Harris, but he's dead, and John Lemon is dead. Some say that Paul is Dead, but he was definitely at Coachella and he sang the fuck out of "Baby Im Amazed." If you listen to the songs backwards, they'll sound bad. Some people say "the pen is mightier than the sword," but a true Beetle would argue that the rock guitar is mightier than the sword, and it weeps gently. Beetles worship a Queen and have bad teeth; they also speak in a British accent. Whatever you do, don't get on their bad side, because you might anger Big Ben. I wonder if they are worried about Bigger Ben. I wonder how they like their coffee -- with sugar, with cream? NOPE - with tea! I lay awake wondering if there are other British stereotypes. Maybe... Maybe...maybe... Yes! There is! It is that British girls are ugly.

Personality & Behavior

Beetles are born songsters, but their repertoire is limited to Beatles songs. Some famous Beatles songs that they sing are Strawberry Fields Forever, Help! I Need Somebody Not Just Anybody, and War Pigs by Black Sabbath. Beetles are widely remembered for doing Drugs back in the day. The Drugs famously made them choose ugly colors for their album art. Another bad side effect was that they got expanded minds -- ouch! John Lemon's mind got way too expanded in 1980 and it trickled out of his rear headhole!!!! This is known as an "assassination." Yoko Oh-no! I wonder if other Beetles had girlfriends too. The best Beetle is George Harris.

Review
Beetles are actually pretty great guys, they have some personality issues but who doesnt these days? Beetles are the complete package, Eggman, Walrus, and Goo Goo G'Joob, Peace.

SCORE

Number 9 /17