Wolfboys

This sick wolf has human hands and legs!
Go to www.olfboy.com for a free cure or text WOOF to (97589747754d)76-439

Guest post by Bobby Bruton, acolyte of Friedrich Nietzsche.

Appearance
Wolfboys aren't allboys, but, if they were: oh, what a world! Fair or dark, it doesn't matter: they're always all the same. Wolfboys may look alright at first, but just wait until you get them under some moon. Their hairs on their handstands on end and forms all sorts of packs of little dogs. When the full moon rises, your real boy may turn into a real dog. When they roar, your slacks turn into cream jeans. When they sigh, they make all the girls turn into a bunch of screaming girls. They can be tall or short or in between - in that case, tweenwolf with michael guy fawkes. Teen Wolf Too, but don't fall for that - it's just bait, man. Sometimes, when they put on their sheep clothes - and when they do, woah, you better watch out - you won't even know them from all the other sheep. Their fur is black, and brown, and red all over unless tipped with bleachy blond. Wolfboys know all too well that life is a struggle between lights and darks. Mix&Match for a hot new ensemble, but always remember to never wash them in the same sink - that's a no, no, NO!

Personality & Behaviour
If you let them, wolfboys will walk all over you and even step on your cameltoes. So don't let them anywhere near, or just be real tight whenever they step up to the plate because if you leave the lanes wide open straight to the hoop, that will be it - all over, alley-oops, and holes in one all over. If they do get that hole in one, be sure to turn to Plan B because that baby would be SICK. Coughing, sneezing, dry mouth, and runny nose - no one wants that for their baby, not even some nazi. Don't even bring that brand new life, nude with life and raw placenta, kicking and screaming into this crazy, mixed-up, topsy-turvy world with so many people in it, if you ask me. We are the world, and only we can change it. If only little darks and little whites could live together, side by side in double sinks everywhere. In my opinion, I think that's my dream and the future. Besides, if your baby's in sickbay, some wolfmom might just up and eat 'em.

Review
Wolfboys are actually pretty great boys, they have some personality issues, but who doesn't these days? Wolfboys are the complete package, Wolferine, Cyclops, and Nightcrawler, Peace.

SCORE
10/17

Wimps

Guest post by boo Angela Chen.

Click the "He Is Scared" coloring page
 to view printable version.  

Appearance

A wimp's appearance is sure to disappoint. Pale and self-effacing, a wimp's appearance does NOT inspire confidence. Imagine your wimp huddled in an anxious corner. You wish your wimp would stand up straighter, get a haircut, listen to hip hop, make a fist, stick up for himself. But your wimp will probably not do any of these things. Your wimp will most likely stay in bed for stretches at a time--sometimes days on end--watching "Cartoons" (porno, you're thinking). As a result, your wimp has limp clothing hidden by ugly knit sweaters, a wet look, a clammy face. You don't want to look at your wimp due to a strong mixture of disgust and pity. LUCKILY, wimps are a lot like ghosts in that they are mostly invisible.

Personality & Behaviour
Sometimes you think a wimp's personality is there only to strengthen your own resolve. I hope I never become like this pathetic little shit, you think to yourself as your wimp hides from the world. I don't go out because I'm lazy, explains your wimp. Hearing this makes you sick. You feel an urge to pump some iron at the gym. A wimp never pumps iron at the gym. The only thing a wimp pumps is his skinny dick, alone in bed at 3:23 am. Here's a list of what womps do: cower, quail, recoil, shrink, squinch, quiver, tremble. Standing next to your wimp, you feel simultaneously bigger and smaller. You look good, and you're going to run on the treadmill later for at least an hour while sweating unselfconsciously/ unconsciously. But why am I standing next to this wimp? Am I really so much better than he??!?!?!??! I really need to sit in my car and listen to Kanye West. 

A wimp is afraid of his thoughts, his illnesses, his food, preservatives, bees, automobiles, drugs, his own mother. A wimp cannot live in these modern times. He feels alienated, cowardly, alone, and scared. A wimp is a sad person, probably in need of antidepressants or a friend, ultimately, and should not be made fun of. Seriously, guys, this is not a joke.

Review
Wimps are actually pretty great guys, they have some personality issues, but who doesn't these days? Wimps are the complete package, Diary of a Wimpy Kid, Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days, and Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Cabin Fever, Peace.

SCORE

0/17

Twins

You can play as twins in Smashed Brawls.
These are the Iced Climbers.

Guest post by Ian Shein's twin-in-law, whom you might find here.

Appearance

Double, double, toil, and trouble! Uh oh, am I seein’ double? No, your eyesight’s perfectly normal because actually what you’re seeing is actually one set of twins! (AKA look-alikes) Twins happen when the male sperm severs the mom’s egg in half with his razor sharp tail, separating her frothy egg yolk into twins…Thus, twins are the byproduct of gunky mom yolk. Twins can look dashing, smashing, charming, or freaky. Each one constitutes one full half of a person…put them together and you’ve got yourself a live one! Don’t try any funny business with just the one of them however, as the other one almost always finds out about it psychotelepathically. In fact, twins are defined as being two twinborn intertwined twinberries teamed with a twinge of telepathy. Most twins are all psychics and because they’re twins, it also makes them sidekicks, which is why we must stop these psychic sidekicks when you see them in your streets. All twins are connected by the brain, but most are born physically connected at the dome piece. 

Personality & Behaviour

We should mention that twins come in all kinds of shapes, all kinds of sizes, and some certain select races, but there are still only two kinds of twins: Identity twins and Fraternity twins. Identity twins are the same person split into two separate halves of the same goopy genetic materials. In other words, clones. These clone twins are sent to the earth by the devil to try and confuse you and me. They will often try and trick you into thinking they are separate individuals by dressing differently, listening to different types of music, or by having different first names, but really this is totally bogus. Sometimes they like to pretend to be one another in order to resurrect a certain romantic flame here, or sabotage some impending marriage there… It should be noted that one half is almost certainly evil as well: (See Ron Howard’s twin here) (See Janet Jackson’s twin here) (See Blake Griffin’s twin here) (See Charlie Kaufman’s twin here) 

Fraternity twins are the ones in the same sororities. These are the ones lots of guys like to party with because they have twice as many mouths, twice as many tits, and twice as many labia. Fraternity twins like to refer to their own breasts as “twins” as well, which is alarming and incites befuddlement. The appropriate response upon finding out an acquaintance has slept with fraternity twins is encouragement by performing a "high-five." 

I once knew these two twins through my Volleyball league. One was totally social and the other one was totally awkward, but totally smart. 

Twins can also be extremely competitive with each other, hence the cliché and oft. over-used adage, “twin it to win it.” This is the reason twins are always working in the same workplaces together be it in a music band, Hollywood television sitcoms with Bob Saget, or NBA basketball leagues. 

Review

Twins are actually pretty great girls, they have some personality issues, but who doesn’t these days? Twins are the complete package, Mary, Kate, and Ashley, Peace. 

SCORE

8.5/17 

8.5/17

Blind Folk

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is kind. 

Breaking news: This guest post is actually by Ariel Gardner. This is his blog.

Appearance
Two words: Sunglasses. You better believe it. "Who's That? Miles Davis?" "NO! dummy, that's just my friend, Sam. He's blind." They may not have a sense of vision, but they definitely have a sense of fashion. It makes you wonder who's doing their shopping, LOUIS VUTTON??

Personality & Behaviour
In the land, they say, of the blind, the one-eyed man is king. What I think he (Aristotle) means by that, is that Blind Folk have tendency to mislead. Though that may be a truism, I can't see why they aren't allowed to be productive people of society. Instead, we condescend to them and put beeping noises at every crosswalk. But I say hey, they may be googly-eyed and their candy canes may not taste like peppermint, but they write really good songs.

Review

Blind Folk are actually pretty great guys, they have some personality issues but who doesn't these days? Blind Folk are the complete package, signed, sealed, and delivered, Peace.

SCORE
20/20

Horsecops

A horse underneath a horsecop

Guest post by Ian Shein, whom you might find here.

Appearance
The main thing you’ll notice about horsecops is mostly how horsey they look: They seem like real cops, but upon closer inspection, you’ll notice that they are totally horses too. Their lower halves are comprised of horse lips, horse hips, horse nips, and even horse dicks. Their voices can be horse also, but that’s because most horsecops chain-smoke tobacco, like their conquistador ancestors. I think Wikipedia said it best when they said horsecops are police who patrol on horseback. Horsecops are the bastard children of horses and men, put on this planet to protect and serve.

Personality & Behaviour
Horsecops are very short-tempered and they behave like idiots. They can be lean, mean, crime-fighting machines… but only in a metaphorical sense because horsecops are actually alive like people, but they’re still below people socially and on the food chain… They are kept separate from human cops for fear of intermarriage, but even though they’re a different species than real cops, they still behave just as piggishly. Horsecops are single-hoofedly responsible for the elimination and prevention of all illegal horseplay.

Review
Horsecops are actually pretty great guys, they have some personality issues but who doesn’t these days? Horsecops are the complete package, giddyup, yee-haw, freeze asshole, Peace.

SCORE
2/17

Teens

Sometimes a teen will have skin w/ braces to boot

Appearance
Teens look like long stringy beans with arms and Janspurts. Their voices sport cracks and their skins sport pimples on their skins. Their butts also sport cracks ( ;) ). Puberty is an alarming thing: sometimes one part of your body will grow really big, out of proportion to the rest of your body. That's why you may see a teen sporting a 10 foot long middle finger which they may brandish in an uncouth youth manner. Teens have a surly look to their scowls, which are steaming hot and ready to be thrown at a nearby parent. These streaming hot scowls can be used for any number of purposes, actually! They can be used to get money or go out to a friend.

Some teens don't look completely developed yet, like a long kid or a scrinched scrunt adult. If there's grass on the field, though, play a ball game with 'er.

Personality & Behaviour
These uncouth youths may soothe a smooth sleuth for a loofah, but the truth is that they boofed Ruth in the booth and lost their teeth. Ruth is really FIT.

Actually, they're just young adults trying to seek a place in the world. They may go through several transformations throughout their teen years. A kid might start out as a Goth, and end up a complete Slut by the next year. Before you know it, this 16 year old Slut has become a 17 year old Greaser. Next year, Head Cheerleader and adult who smokes. What we're trying to say is that teens are curious about the world and its wonders. "I wonder what this cigarette tastes like." "I wonder what this Grease will do to my hair." "I wonder what I'd be known as if I slept with any guy who was even remotely interested in my curves." "I wonder if Goth is something I can stick with for some time."

Review
Teens are actually pretty great youths, they have some personality issues but who doesnt these days? Teens are the complete package, sex, drugs, and rock, and roll, Peace.

SCORE
13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19 / 17

WednesdayMen Redux

WednesdayMen often hang masks of Odins and Wodens
over their sleep chambers to ward away various Thors

Appearance
They are wearing the same clothes they wore at work, because after a long Wednesday of going to work, they will be too tired to change. Thursday is just around the bend of the night, however, so never fear, pretty soon they'll be ThursdayMen. WednesdayMen have tired bags around their eyes because they stayed up late on Tuesday. Luckily, Wednesday night is a great opportunity to catch up on some much-needed sleep, if they have the wherewithal to go to bed early.

Personality & Behavior
The Wednesdayman faces a humpday dilemma. His first half of the week is behind him, and his second half of the week is in front of him. Most of the time he will decide to proceed to Thursday, but sometimes if he feels like he needs to just unwind and rewind, he won't. There are many limitations to WednesdayMen: they can't see that show they go to every Saturday; they can't spend months of their lives doing something; not even YEARS! Wednesdaymen fatally die when they exit Wednesday. Oops, forgot to mention that WednesdayMen worship the Norse God Odin (later adapted to Woden by the Anglo Saxons), after whom Wednesday is named. To achieve this end, they spend all of their money on Odin merch.

Review
WednesdayMen are actually pretty great guys, they have some personality issues but who doesnt these days? WednesdayMen are the complete package, Thursday in one day, Friday in two more days, That's Almost Saturday for Parties!, Peace.

SCORE
4/7

Boxers

Jackie Chan unleashing his finishing move in round 10

Appearance
Muhammad Ali, for example, floats -like a butterfly, produces honey for a queen bee -like a bee. Most boxers don't look like giant bugs, however. Most are fit young blacks or whites or Filps who prance around the ring but then punch at you. Their version of muscles is called Lean Muscles. Similarly, there is such a thing called Lean Meat, to be purchased at Ralphs. Similarly to that, there is something a boxer can do called Leaning to the side, which is a counterproductive boxing strategem/strategy. Try to stand up straight, even Lean Back a little like Fat Joe's Terror Squad of frightening Boxers. To give an example of how a boxer dresses, one might reference a picture of a common Cangaroo wearing boxing gloves and shorts.  The shorts are shiny and the gloves are dick-tip red. In the distance, there is a trainer who is gesticulating wildly and saying things like, "You can take on the world now." The way I envision the boxing ring from movies, the trainer is usually positioned directly behind his own boxer, so only the enemy boxer can perceive his handular and voxular advice. What? Who thought up that brilliant fucking set up? Switch sides.

Personality & Behaviour
I don't think boxers are mad at each other, the only reason they're fighting is that it's time to box. Philosophically, boxers don't need to punch. A boxer could just box mentally over a game of chess, but their opponent may wish to continue pummeling you to crispy shreds. In other words, it's boxing time.

Trav steps into the ring with his boxing gloves and shorts on, plus handwraps under for safety. He puts a lemon in his mouth. But the problem is Matt, replete with boxing gloves, shorts, handwraps, and citrus, also steps into the ring. And that's when things start to heat up: their trainers, beet-red, vivid with fury, put their long angry fingers into the air as if the air in the room is one giant pussy for fingering, and tell them to fight ASAP. Trav takes a step forward, pratfalls. Matt's banana trap was a critical hit, but not very effective - because it looks like Trav is up again, throwing a slugger at Matt's left jaw. Matt takes the hit, lingers, then decides to retaliate with an even stronger hit. Trav doesn't anticipate this surprise move so he gets slugged but it's fine because he's got his own slug to shoot- straight to Matt's critical area. Matt blushes. OK, he thinks, sticks and stones may break my bones. And it's true: Matt's bones are all shattered, but it's a perfect opportunity to wield a stray bone against Trav and slice him up with this sharp bone. Trav hates bones so he runs away but then he bounces off the ropes and gets boned to the bone. In the end, it was a violent fight.

Review
Boxers are actually pretty great guys, they have some personality issues but who doesnt these days? Boxers are the complete package, strike 1, strike 2, strike 3 KO, Peace.

SCORE
11/17

Celebs

She always keeps a list of all the guys she kissed. It's a celeb.

Appearance
Not necessarily hot, but the best celebs truly are. I'd still fuck the ugly ones though, because they're celebs. Ultimately even the ugly ones are fairly attractive if you saw them on the club, but not by celeb standards. They wear sunglasses out in public to prevent people from recognizing them as celebs, but because celebs are the only ones who do that, then beautiful glasses girls must be celebs. Luckily there is another function to the sunglasses: eye protection. These prescription sunglasses prevent enemy fans from harming their precious eyes. Another added benefit to the glasses is if you don't want people to know what you're feeling if you have social anxiety disorder, like how I used to wear jackets all the time in my early tween years, also to hide my erections I thought everyone would notice. Really though when it comes to pretween erections they are NOT ok...... I should have been born a girl so all I would have to hide is my wet sclit and my amorphous breasts.

Personality & Behaviour
They act, they model, they put out sextapes and they monetize them. They sing, they dance, they entertain us all with their yucky antics. You can even hear rumors about them if you want. Some are more specialized. Tom Cruise cruises, Penelope Cruz cruzes... No more. But let's try a switcharoo: who isn't a celeb? Jeremy isn't a celeb, nor is R. or my cousin Stuart. But if you think about it, Jeremy Irons, R. Kelly, and French Stewart!!!

If 1 person knows you, you're obscure. If 99999 people know you, you're a celeb. That's celebs. Basically the key to becoming one is introducing yourself. Just be friendly, open and receptive to new ideas. Don't be forgettable and always be sure to star in TV pilots. If you see a history textbook, scrawl your name on every page. There are tons of names in history textbooks that little scrawny 5th graders have to memorize so it may as well be your names. Don't forget mathbooks -- numbers are names, too! That's an equation for success. Next step is always be a good boy -- then you will be a celeb. Don't abuse your newfound power. Power= responsibility= Spiderman; so be sure to be cast as Tobey Maguire.

Oh, we forget to mention, change your names to Tobey Macquire.

Review
Celebs are actually pretty great guys, they have some personality issues but who doesnt these days? Celebs are the complete package, kim, khloe, and kourtney, and Lamar Odom, Peace.

SCORE
√/17

Traitors

This is the Tubman who betrayed the profitable plantations
by creating a Trailroad underneath the Earth's crust,
accidentally suffocating all the slaves in the process...
This is why we no longer use cotton or eat tobacco.
Traitory benefits no one.

Appearance
Their biggest physical trait is their long pinochiNose. This pinochiNose is derived from lying. Their second biggest trait is the expression of loyalty you find on their fake little faces. This following trait may be their worst trait, or at least their most noticeable. The trait is that they might be either fat or skinny, tall or ugly. And the last trait is an important trait. It's their Benedict Arnold T-shirt. And their final trait is their bigass trate.

Personality & Behaviour
With all these physical traits, is there room for them to have behavior? Yeah. The first trait of their behavior is their dumb stupid backstabbing of you and yours. The best plans can be undone by the worst traitors. They're always running their mouths, the sick sycophants. When you are planning a terrorism, be sure not to invite known traitors into your midst because they will definitely tell on you to Big Brother Bush. Word Fact: Don't confuse "traitors" and "traders." If you are planning on committing a trade, don't invite a traitor, because they'll try to trade you all their energies for your 1st edition shiny Charizard. Better to invite a trader, because then you'll get a good deal that benefits you both (win-win) -- perchance a holographic Blue Eyes White Dragon for your shiny Charizard. Now that's the difference between traitors and traders.

Mainly traitors sleep with your wife. They said they wouldn't.... they promised to you that they wouldn't ravage our wife when we weren't there, but then they did! Why, oh why did I entrust the keys to my wife to this traitor! Traitors also sleep with their one eye open, and they sleep with a teddy, then they enter a nightmare.

Review
Traitors are actually pretty great guys, they have some personality issues but who doesnt these days? Traitors are the complete package, brutus, judas, and rudas, Peace.

SCORE