The Very Elderly

A very elderly person (pictured left) sucking the life force
from a young person's hand (pictured right)

Appearance
Lined and creased like a crumpled up striped shirt, the very elderly contain so many wrinkles that you might even consider reading the book The Wrinkle In Time. Charles Wallace, the precocious boy in the book, can be considered the opposite of very elderly. He is young and sleek, with a fresh, supple body and sharp mind. The very elderly are the opposite, and that's why, to lend focus to our post, we've taken the liberty of crossing out all references to the young sleek Charles Wallace. A vivacious young redhead with flowing locks... cut to 100 years later, knix the lox, that shit's gone grayscale, bald to boot. The very elderly are shriveled in every sense of the word. Shriveled balls, shriveled pussies, and other relevant human parts can be found anywhere on a very elderly specimen. However, sometimes the very elderly opt out of the human race entirely, by replacing their feeble human body parts with cybernetic hipbones. This is why you sometimes walk down the street and see geezers walking around with a profusion of hipbones emanating from what used to be their skullbones or chestual zones. This android issue lends doubt to the common belief that the very elderly might one day "die," for what is death but the decaying of flesh? And where flesh there is none, death can have no fun. Usually, at night, these android very elderly gentlemen and gentlewomen dream of electric sheep. These are known as "nightmares;" no one can stand to see their favorite animal zapped to dust by a lightning streak!!!! Fortunately, special medications are available that bring death to anguished androids. It's called gross negligence. Ew sick!

Personality & Behaviour
The very elderly's very favorite activity is to have gone to war in the past, usually World War 1 or some other epic. They will recount to you the time that they "literally shot a German man" and "watched as he hopped around, holding his foot and shouting "ouch!"" The very olderly love to just lean back and retire. Everything they do, their favorite part is just giving up and retiring. Once he has retired, he's free to live the lounge lizard leisure life. Warm milk err'day and err'night, with warmed, curdled milk for lunch, and grapefruit. I know this could be considered Appearance, but they keep their teeth in water, and they lose them, which will result in a lot of hollering but the best oral sex available. However, there is none available for miles. 78% of the very elderly share a very specific hobby, which is obtaining and collecting tumors, cancers, and other growths until the collection is complete and they can finally rest. The rest of them love heart attacks and accidental deaths. Kaplow! That's a wrap!

Review
The Very Elderly are actually pretty great guys, they have some personality issues, but who doesn't these days? The Very Elderly are the complete package, The Mummy Returns 1, The Mummy Returns 2, The Return of the Mummy 3, Peace.

SCORE

160/170

Lovers

We made a graph of the difference between men and the difference
between women. Read it counter-leftwise from the top.

Appearance
Lovers are beautiful. They have giant swollen lips so that they can kiss across great distances.  Their unlimited beauty is surpassed only by that of the Greek goddess Aphrodite (Afrodite hahahahahahahaha). When lovers make love, you can feel the sexual energy that pulsates from clit to tip. If you imprison a lover so that he cannot reach his mate, he will say, "Lemme at her! Lemme at her!" Eventually, he will either be let at her, or he will die, because you forgot to buy snacks for the prison!! Where is the love? Lovers wear striped shirts with wine and cheese for dinner. Lovers look hot if they're a girl. She can sometimes be really busty, which is why someone loves her, carnally. If lovers are a boy, then they rely on their strength. Here is a list of the girlfriends People Blog Staff has loved: Nora Bright, Marlena Rijn, Alex Brady, Elizabeth Chamberlain, Angela Chen, Edna Cao, Annie Saunders, Lubabah Ben-Ghaly, Lara Roizen, Angela Chen, Angela Chen, Olivia Russin. Phew, what a mental workout, to think of such things. Ahhhhh. Memories. Ahhhhh to be sixteen again, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Yum, it feels fucking great, if you just accept it.

Personality & Behaviour
Love. What is it? It's four different bases: 1) It's the kiss-job (kjob), 2) It's the heavy grappling (wetpetting), 3) It's the oral presentation, 4) It's the best feeling in the world! Lovers get to experience all of these AND anal. But first, you've gotta bullshit some love letters and then sign them. Seal them with hot wax, but be sure to save some for later.... you're gonna need a LOT of wax for the candles so that you'll be able to see her for godsakes. But even though I'm bullshitting this love letter to get her to give sex, I actually do really like her! I swear. It's just that I'm not really good with words, letters, numbers, or licking envelopes (major drymouth), but I WANT her.

Review
Lovers are actually pretty great guys, they have some personality issues but who doesn't these days? Lovers are the complete package, loved, lost, not at all!, Peace.

SCORE
∞/17   and 69

H8aters

Steam Punk

Appearance
H8aters have nine of the most loathsome features. The second feature they have is their red lizard-like eyeballs; the first, a translucent, useful membrane sometimes referred to as a "third eyelid" to protect the lizard-eye during underwater submersion. They wear crisp Lids on their head and spikes on their ears. Their hearts lie in the shallowest of waters, and the color of 'em is a sick tobacco brown, and they pump dead blood throughout what you would technically call a body. Their borrous blacc bones look like they haven't seen sunshine for ages. Skin is burnt, hair is snakes, snakes give you the shakes. What's not to like about the beautiful body of a h8ater? Personally, I'm not a fan of their thoraxes, but that's just me; it's just my opinion. The objectivity of my review is key, however, so actually their thoraxes are a healthy neutral in People Blog's official handbooks. In our armbooks, however, we're a little more lax about issues of subjectivity vs objectivity, so let's just come out and say: FUCK H8ATERS.

Personality & Behaviour
H8aters going to h8. That's what's commonly known about these creatures. You might be surprised to find that H8aters going to love, too, but only when it comes to matters of romance. One thing h8aters hate, for example, is all the watercolour paintings you make as your side hobby. Contrarily, if it's a romantic painting of a lover's embrace, maybe they'd go for it.  Contrarily to that, hell no. But on the other hand, it's just my left hand. H8aters hate lefties. All rapping, riding, and asstapping MUST be done on the right, with no leeway for mistakes or other blunders. If you're with your fly bitch, keep her on the right. Otherwise, h8aters may swoop in for the h8. My interpretation of the phrase "fly bitch" is a woman who is your hot girlfriend that's a fly. You don't feel either way about her hotness, but you are very glad that she has the features of a beautiful fly. But don't forget, her winged visage is only acceptable to the feint of heart. Bravemen, don't come anywhere near my horsefly.

New ¶ (paragraph): let's talk about how h8aters go. I saw a h8ater at the convenience store Ralphs supermarket last year and he is asking for a refund for the expired gatorade he bought -- ie h8atorade. IE, he h9ates h8atorade, and that's why he wanted a refund -- that's h8ate. H8ate expresses itself in all parts of life. Part 1 which is sleep, the h8aters don't like it, they stay awake always. Part 3: Breakfast: eggs, bacon, orange juice, hash browns, g8atorade: that's why they h8ate breakfast: they wish there wasn't any g8ateorade involved. Part 4 is lunch. It's a meal that comes between the others -- a sort of midday feed. H8aters have a casserole. Next up is Part 9: websurfing at home. It's time to go on some forums. 4ums are places you can go to exchange e-mails with literally anyone on the forum Mack Rumors. Like, you can even bump a thread for example, or make it kind of sticky? You can talk about how Mack is going downhill after the tragic suicide of Steven Jobs (RIP 'em up) and about how Unix will be the next dominant iPhone. Hehe, that wouldn't be very PC, would it? Heh.

"I hate you." -H8ater 4738gammaBleenStrength949.

Review
H8aters are actually pretty great guys, they have some personality issues, but who doesn't these days? H8aters are the complete package, Kanye West, everyone who agrees with that piece of trash, and even his family, Peace.

SCORE
-8/17

Actors

I've interviewed hundreds of these smooth-faced
actresses, but this one REALLY stands out

Appearance
Radiant faces without acne or scars and bodies that are very much what you would want, actors are totally made to star in all the hot new auditions you don't watch. When they talk to you, you never mistake what they're saying, because there is a big sitcom pause at the end of each of their sentences. Every actor has a distinct "look." There are actors with a "Caucasian handsome" look, actors with a "Nordic handsome" look, actors with an "Aryan handsome" look, and some white actors. If you are having difficulty picturing what I mean, watch a movie. Those are full of actors who are just jonesing to perform for you. However, this People Blog entry is not about actors on the screen. Onscreen, they congeal and become acceptable to watch. I am talking about seeing actors at Open Mics, you know, living in LA with a bunch of people around you who just want to make it, they might be living in an apartment with FIVE other people in one bedroom but someday.. I made the mistake of looking at an actor's teeth once, and now I am blind- don't look at those voodoo teeth! I hate these Hindu fucks.

Personality & Behaviour
Actors obey their Agents. Or at least they act like they do. ;) But is there any specific way an actor acts? Actors act lots of ways -- that's acting! Therefore, their Personality & Behaviour most closely identifies with that of a chameleon man. These charmeleons flit from scene to scene, laughing, crying, and the rest. Sometimes I imagine that everyone I know is just an actor and I'm the only real person on this planet. At such times, I experience profound despair- true pathos like the movies. I wring my hands and wail my voice, while looking up into the rainy sky (I'm imagining this from an aerial perspective). If there's a God, he made a bunch of actors to make this cool movie called Earth, and I'm the punchline. Ha! Too bad this is one movie you can't rewatch when it's over; I'm referring to death. Death is like the end of the movie that you can't ever see again- you have to rent a new movie from Redbox. Unfortunately, the only movie available is Eternal Hell.

Review
Actors are actually pretty great guys, they have some personality issues, but who doesn't these days? Actors are the complete package, Alec Baldwin (the oldest), Daniel Baldwin (the second in command), William (Billy) Baldwin (the Billy in command), and Stephen Baldwin (the youngest) -- it's a true Hollywood miracle, Peace.

SCORE
Oscar/17 --PSYCHE!!! JK I was just acting!! Golden Globes/17

Agents

A rare insight into how we write our papers

Appearance

Black suit, dark shades, with an ear worm in the usual place, these guys are totally incognito and impossible to differentiate from each other. Their faces are international-style with a clean shave. Humorless visage: no laughs will dance across their faces until Neo's dead. When Neo does deign to die, however, there is great merriment throughout the agent community. At the store, agents will be overheard chatting vivaciously about the latest Dead Neo. During these times, ladies in long multicolored patchwork dresses walk through the bustling market, nearly dropping their baguettes. At all other times, agents are grimly stationed at different coordinates throughout the gridglobe. They've pocketed their smiles for another day, and the ladies in long multicolored patchwork dresses have been returned to their holding facilities.

Personality & Behaviour

Trained and disciplined like a monk, but, unlike a monk, these guys' only religion is totalitarianism in government and cyberrule in war, NOT Judaism. These guys have to be ready to point, shoot and obliterate any and all Neos or other cyberpunks. They do not appreciate having their minds expanded - in ANY direction. In their free time, they do not go to art museums or volunteer at the Echo Park Film Center running concessions or whatever they need that night. Anything else is fair game; agents have to have some fun once. Back to on the job. When they are on the job (24/7/365/lifespan), agents must constantly kidnap Morpheus- as much as possible. They must inform him that mankind is like a virus, a disease, a cancer of this planet. They can also opt for other jeers such as "You've never lived up to my expectations, not even 1% of them, not even 9% of them." Too bad for the agent, It's Morphin' Time. The agent collapses, and Morpheus is free to be captured again some other time. This is how I perceive agents. And this is what I believe to be their routine. 

Review

Agents are actually pretty great boys, they have some personality issues, but who doesn't these days? Agents are the complete package, Mister Smith, Missus Smith, and (if they had a baby) Baby Smith Jr, Peace.

SCORE

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/17

Wolfboys

This sick wolf has human hands and legs!
Go to www.olfboy.com for a free cure or text WOOF to (97589747754d)76-439

Guest post by Bobby Bruton, acolyte of Friedrich Nietzsche.

Appearance
Wolfboys aren't allboys, but, if they were: oh, what a world! Fair or dark, it doesn't matter: they're always all the same. Wolfboys may look alright at first, but just wait until you get them under some moon. Their hairs on their handstands on end and forms all sorts of packs of little dogs. When the full moon rises, your real boy may turn into a real dog. When they roar, your slacks turn into cream jeans. When they sigh, they make all the girls turn into a bunch of screaming girls. They can be tall or short or in between - in that case, tweenwolf with michael guy fawkes. Teen Wolf Too, but don't fall for that - it's just bait, man. Sometimes, when they put on their sheep clothes - and when they do, woah, you better watch out - you won't even know them from all the other sheep. Their fur is black, and brown, and red all over unless tipped with bleachy blond. Wolfboys know all too well that life is a struggle between lights and darks. Mix&Match for a hot new ensemble, but always remember to never wash them in the same sink - that's a no, no, NO!

Personality & Behaviour
If you let them, wolfboys will walk all over you and even step on your cameltoes. So don't let them anywhere near, or just be real tight whenever they step up to the plate because if you leave the lanes wide open straight to the hoop, that will be it - all over, alley-oops, and holes in one all over. If they do get that hole in one, be sure to turn to Plan B because that baby would be SICK. Coughing, sneezing, dry mouth, and runny nose - no one wants that for their baby, not even some nazi. Don't even bring that brand new life, nude with life and raw placenta, kicking and screaming into this crazy, mixed-up, topsy-turvy world with so many people in it, if you ask me. We are the world, and only we can change it. If only little darks and little whites could live together, side by side in double sinks everywhere. In my opinion, I think that's my dream and the future. Besides, if your baby's in sickbay, some wolfmom might just up and eat 'em.

Review
Wolfboys are actually pretty great boys, they have some personality issues, but who doesn't these days? Wolfboys are the complete package, Wolferine, Cyclops, and Nightcrawler, Peace.

SCORE
10/17

Wimps

Guest post by boo Angela Chen.

Click the "He Is Scared" coloring page
 to view printable version.  

Appearance

A wimp's appearance is sure to disappoint. Pale and self-effacing, a wimp's appearance does NOT inspire confidence. Imagine your wimp huddled in an anxious corner. You wish your wimp would stand up straighter, get a haircut, listen to hip hop, make a fist, stick up for himself. But your wimp will probably not do any of these things. Your wimp will most likely stay in bed for stretches at a time--sometimes days on end--watching "Cartoons" (porno, you're thinking). As a result, your wimp has limp clothing hidden by ugly knit sweaters, a wet look, a clammy face. You don't want to look at your wimp due to a strong mixture of disgust and pity. LUCKILY, wimps are a lot like ghosts in that they are mostly invisible.

Personality & Behaviour
Sometimes you think a wimp's personality is there only to strengthen your own resolve. I hope I never become like this pathetic little shit, you think to yourself as your wimp hides from the world. I don't go out because I'm lazy, explains your wimp. Hearing this makes you sick. You feel an urge to pump some iron at the gym. A wimp never pumps iron at the gym. The only thing a wimp pumps is his skinny dick, alone in bed at 3:23 am. Here's a list of what womps do: cower, quail, recoil, shrink, squinch, quiver, tremble. Standing next to your wimp, you feel simultaneously bigger and smaller. You look good, and you're going to run on the treadmill later for at least an hour while sweating unselfconsciously/ unconsciously. But why am I standing next to this wimp? Am I really so much better than he??!?!?!??! I really need to sit in my car and listen to Kanye West. 

A wimp is afraid of his thoughts, his illnesses, his food, preservatives, bees, automobiles, drugs, his own mother. A wimp cannot live in these modern times. He feels alienated, cowardly, alone, and scared. A wimp is a sad person, probably in need of antidepressants or a friend, ultimately, and should not be made fun of. Seriously, guys, this is not a joke.

Review
Wimps are actually pretty great guys, they have some personality issues, but who doesn't these days? Wimps are the complete package, Diary of a Wimpy Kid, Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days, and Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Cabin Fever, Peace.

SCORE

0/17

Twins

You can play as twins in Smashed Brawls.
These are the Iced Climbers.

Guest post by Ian Shein's twin-in-law, whom you might find here.

Appearance

Double, double, toil, and trouble! Uh oh, am I seein’ double? No, your eyesight’s perfectly normal because actually what you’re seeing is actually one set of twins! (AKA look-alikes) Twins happen when the male sperm severs the mom’s egg in half with his razor sharp tail, separating her frothy egg yolk into twins…Thus, twins are the byproduct of gunky mom yolk. Twins can look dashing, smashing, charming, or freaky. Each one constitutes one full half of a person…put them together and you’ve got yourself a live one! Don’t try any funny business with just the one of them however, as the other one almost always finds out about it psychotelepathically. In fact, twins are defined as being two twinborn intertwined twinberries teamed with a twinge of telepathy. Most twins are all psychics and because they’re twins, it also makes them sidekicks, which is why we must stop these psychic sidekicks when you see them in your streets. All twins are connected by the brain, but most are born physically connected at the dome piece. 

Personality & Behaviour

We should mention that twins come in all kinds of shapes, all kinds of sizes, and some certain select races, but there are still only two kinds of twins: Identity twins and Fraternity twins. Identity twins are the same person split into two separate halves of the same goopy genetic materials. In other words, clones. These clone twins are sent to the earth by the devil to try and confuse you and me. They will often try and trick you into thinking they are separate individuals by dressing differently, listening to different types of music, or by having different first names, but really this is totally bogus. Sometimes they like to pretend to be one another in order to resurrect a certain romantic flame here, or sabotage some impending marriage there… It should be noted that one half is almost certainly evil as well: (See Ron Howard’s twin here) (See Janet Jackson’s twin here) (See Blake Griffin’s twin here) (See Charlie Kaufman’s twin here) 

Fraternity twins are the ones in the same sororities. These are the ones lots of guys like to party with because they have twice as many mouths, twice as many tits, and twice as many labia. Fraternity twins like to refer to their own breasts as “twins” as well, which is alarming and incites befuddlement. The appropriate response upon finding out an acquaintance has slept with fraternity twins is encouragement by performing a "high-five." 

I once knew these two twins through my Volleyball league. One was totally social and the other one was totally awkward, but totally smart. 

Twins can also be extremely competitive with each other, hence the cliché and oft. over-used adage, “twin it to win it.” This is the reason twins are always working in the same workplaces together be it in a music band, Hollywood television sitcoms with Bob Saget, or NBA basketball leagues. 

Review

Twins are actually pretty great girls, they have some personality issues, but who doesn’t these days? Twins are the complete package, Mary, Kate, and Ashley, Peace. 

SCORE

8.5/17 

8.5/17

Blind Folk

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is kind. 

Breaking news: This guest post is actually by Ariel Gardner. This is his blog.

Appearance
Two words: Sunglasses. You better believe it. "Who's That? Miles Davis?" "NO! dummy, that's just my friend, Sam. He's blind." They may not have a sense of vision, but they definitely have a sense of fashion. It makes you wonder who's doing their shopping, LOUIS VUTTON??

Personality & Behaviour
In the land, they say, of the blind, the one-eyed man is king. What I think he (Aristotle) means by that, is that Blind Folk have tendency to mislead. Though that may be a truism, I can't see why they aren't allowed to be productive people of society. Instead, we condescend to them and put beeping noises at every crosswalk. But I say hey, they may be googly-eyed and their candy canes may not taste like peppermint, but they write really good songs.

Review

Blind Folk are actually pretty great guys, they have some personality issues but who doesn't these days? Blind Folk are the complete package, signed, sealed, and delivered, Peace.

SCORE
20/20

Horsecops

A horse underneath a horsecop

Guest post by Ian Shein, whom you might find here.

Appearance
The main thing you’ll notice about horsecops is mostly how horsey they look: They seem like real cops, but upon closer inspection, you’ll notice that they are totally horses too. Their lower halves are comprised of horse lips, horse hips, horse nips, and even horse dicks. Their voices can be horse also, but that’s because most horsecops chain-smoke tobacco, like their conquistador ancestors. I think Wikipedia said it best when they said horsecops are police who patrol on horseback. Horsecops are the bastard children of horses and men, put on this planet to protect and serve.

Personality & Behaviour
Horsecops are very short-tempered and they behave like idiots. They can be lean, mean, crime-fighting machines… but only in a metaphorical sense because horsecops are actually alive like people, but they’re still below people socially and on the food chain… They are kept separate from human cops for fear of intermarriage, but even though they’re a different species than real cops, they still behave just as piggishly. Horsecops are single-hoofedly responsible for the elimination and prevention of all illegal horseplay.

Review
Horsecops are actually pretty great guys, they have some personality issues but who doesn’t these days? Horsecops are the complete package, giddyup, yee-haw, freeze asshole, Peace.

SCORE
2/17