Teens

Sometimes a teen will have skin w/ braces to boot

Appearance
Teens look like long stringy beans with arms and Janspurts. Their voices sport cracks and their skins sport pimples on their skins. Their butts also sport cracks ( ;) ). Puberty is an alarming thing: sometimes one part of your body will grow really big, out of proportion to the rest of your body. That's why you may see a teen sporting a 10 foot long middle finger which they may brandish in an uncouth youth manner. Teens have a surly look to their scowls, which are steaming hot and ready to be thrown at a nearby parent. These streaming hot scowls can be used for any number of purposes, actually! They can be used to get money or go out to a friend.

Some teens don't look completely developed yet, like a long kid or a scrinched scrunt adult. If there's grass on the field, though, play a ball game with 'er.

Personality & Behaviour
These uncouth youths may soothe a smooth sleuth for a loofah, but the truth is that they boofed Ruth in the booth and lost their teeth. Ruth is really FIT.

Actually, they're just young adults trying to seek a place in the world. They may go through several transformations throughout their teen years. A kid might start out as a Goth, and end up a complete Slut by the next year. Before you know it, this 16 year old Slut has become a 17 year old Greaser. Next year, Head Cheerleader and adult who smokes. What we're trying to say is that teens are curious about the world and its wonders. "I wonder what this cigarette tastes like." "I wonder what this Grease will do to my hair." "I wonder what I'd be known as if I slept with any guy who was even remotely interested in my curves." "I wonder if Goth is something I can stick with for some time."

Review
Teens are actually pretty great youths, they have some personality issues but who doesnt these days? Teens are the complete package, sex, drugs, and rock, and roll, Peace.

SCORE
13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19 / 17

WednesdayMen Redux

WednesdayMen often hang masks of Odins and Wodens
over their sleep chambers to ward away various Thors

Appearance
They are wearing the same clothes they wore at work, because after a long Wednesday of going to work, they will be too tired to change. Thursday is just around the bend of the night, however, so never fear, pretty soon they'll be ThursdayMen. WednesdayMen have tired bags around their eyes because they stayed up late on Tuesday. Luckily, Wednesday night is a great opportunity to catch up on some much-needed sleep, if they have the wherewithal to go to bed early.

Personality & Behavior
The Wednesdayman faces a humpday dilemma. His first half of the week is behind him, and his second half of the week is in front of him. Most of the time he will decide to proceed to Thursday, but sometimes if he feels like he needs to just unwind and rewind, he won't. There are many limitations to WednesdayMen: they can't see that show they go to every Saturday; they can't spend months of their lives doing something; not even YEARS! Wednesdaymen fatally die when they exit Wednesday. Oops, forgot to mention that WednesdayMen worship the Norse God Odin (later adapted to Woden by the Anglo Saxons), after whom Wednesday is named. To achieve this end, they spend all of their money on Odin merch.

Review
WednesdayMen are actually pretty great guys, they have some personality issues but who doesnt these days? WednesdayMen are the complete package, Thursday in one day, Friday in two more days, That's Almost Saturday for Parties!, Peace.

SCORE
4/7

Boxers

Jackie Chan unleashing his finishing move in round 10

Appearance
Muhammad Ali, for example, floats -like a butterfly, produces honey for a queen bee -like a bee. Most boxers don't look like giant bugs, however. Most are fit young blacks or whites or Filps who prance around the ring but then punch at you. Their version of muscles is called Lean Muscles. Similarly, there is such a thing called Lean Meat, to be purchased at Ralphs. Similarly to that, there is something a boxer can do called Leaning to the side, which is a counterproductive boxing strategem/strategy. Try to stand up straight, even Lean Back a little like Fat Joe's Terror Squad of frightening Boxers. To give an example of how a boxer dresses, one might reference a picture of a common Cangaroo wearing boxing gloves and shorts.  The shorts are shiny and the gloves are dick-tip red. In the distance, there is a trainer who is gesticulating wildly and saying things like, "You can take on the world now." The way I envision the boxing ring from movies, the trainer is usually positioned directly behind his own boxer, so only the enemy boxer can perceive his handular and voxular advice. What? Who thought up that brilliant fucking set up? Switch sides.

Personality & Behaviour
I don't think boxers are mad at each other, the only reason they're fighting is that it's time to box. Philosophically, boxers don't need to punch. A boxer could just box mentally over a game of chess, but their opponent may wish to continue pummeling you to crispy shreds. In other words, it's boxing time.

Trav steps into the ring with his boxing gloves and shorts on, plus handwraps under for safety. He puts a lemon in his mouth. But the problem is Matt, replete with boxing gloves, shorts, handwraps, and citrus, also steps into the ring. And that's when things start to heat up: their trainers, beet-red, vivid with fury, put their long angry fingers into the air as if the air in the room is one giant pussy for fingering, and tell them to fight ASAP. Trav takes a step forward, pratfalls. Matt's banana trap was a critical hit, but not very effective - because it looks like Trav is up again, throwing a slugger at Matt's left jaw. Matt takes the hit, lingers, then decides to retaliate with an even stronger hit. Trav doesn't anticipate this surprise move so he gets slugged but it's fine because he's got his own slug to shoot- straight to Matt's critical area. Matt blushes. OK, he thinks, sticks and stones may break my bones. And it's true: Matt's bones are all shattered, but it's a perfect opportunity to wield a stray bone against Trav and slice him up with this sharp bone. Trav hates bones so he runs away but then he bounces off the ropes and gets boned to the bone. In the end, it was a violent fight.

Review
Boxers are actually pretty great guys, they have some personality issues but who doesnt these days? Boxers are the complete package, strike 1, strike 2, strike 3 KO, Peace.

SCORE
11/17

Celebs

She always keeps a list of all the guys she kissed. It's a celeb.

Appearance
Not necessarily hot, but the best celebs truly are. I'd still fuck the ugly ones though, because they're celebs. Ultimately even the ugly ones are fairly attractive if you saw them on the club, but not by celeb standards. They wear sunglasses out in public to prevent people from recognizing them as celebs, but because celebs are the only ones who do that, then beautiful glasses girls must be celebs. Luckily there is another function to the sunglasses: eye protection. These prescription sunglasses prevent enemy fans from harming their precious eyes. Another added benefit to the glasses is if you don't want people to know what you're feeling if you have social anxiety disorder, like how I used to wear jackets all the time in my early tween years, also to hide my erections I thought everyone would notice. Really though when it comes to pretween erections they are NOT ok...... I should have been born a girl so all I would have to hide is my wet sclit and my amorphous breasts.

Personality & Behaviour
They act, they model, they put out sextapes and they monetize them. They sing, they dance, they entertain us all with their yucky antics. You can even hear rumors about them if you want. Some are more specialized. Tom Cruise cruises, Penelope Cruz cruzes... No more. But let's try a switcharoo: who isn't a celeb? Jeremy isn't a celeb, nor is R. or my cousin Stuart. But if you think about it, Jeremy Irons, R. Kelly, and French Stewart!!!

If 1 person knows you, you're obscure. If 99999 people know you, you're a celeb. That's celebs. Basically the key to becoming one is introducing yourself. Just be friendly, open and receptive to new ideas. Don't be forgettable and always be sure to star in TV pilots. If you see a history textbook, scrawl your name on every page. There are tons of names in history textbooks that little scrawny 5th graders have to memorize so it may as well be your names. Don't forget mathbooks -- numbers are names, too! That's an equation for success. Next step is always be a good boy -- then you will be a celeb. Don't abuse your newfound power. Power= responsibility= Spiderman; so be sure to be cast as Tobey Maguire.

Oh, we forget to mention, change your names to Tobey Macquire.

Review
Celebs are actually pretty great guys, they have some personality issues but who doesnt these days? Celebs are the complete package, kim, khloe, and kourtney, and Lamar Odom, Peace.

SCORE
√/17

Traitors

This is the Tubman who betrayed the profitable plantations
by creating a Trailroad underneath the Earth's crust,
accidentally suffocating all the slaves in the process...
This is why we no longer use cotton or eat tobacco.
Traitory benefits no one.

Appearance
Their biggest physical trait is their long pinochiNose. This pinochiNose is derived from lying. Their second biggest trait is the expression of loyalty you find on their fake little faces. This following trait may be their worst trait, or at least their most noticeable. The trait is that they might be either fat or skinny, tall or ugly. And the last trait is an important trait. It's their Benedict Arnold T-shirt. And their final trait is their bigass trate.

Personality & Behaviour
With all these physical traits, is there room for them to have behavior? Yeah. The first trait of their behavior is their dumb stupid backstabbing of you and yours. The best plans can be undone by the worst traitors. They're always running their mouths, the sick sycophants. When you are planning a terrorism, be sure not to invite known traitors into your midst because they will definitely tell on you to Big Brother Bush. Word Fact: Don't confuse "traitors" and "traders." If you are planning on committing a trade, don't invite a traitor, because they'll try to trade you all their energies for your 1st edition shiny Charizard. Better to invite a trader, because then you'll get a good deal that benefits you both (win-win) -- perchance a holographic Blue Eyes White Dragon for your shiny Charizard. Now that's the difference between traitors and traders.

Mainly traitors sleep with your wife. They said they wouldn't.... they promised to you that they wouldn't ravage our wife when we weren't there, but then they did! Why, oh why did I entrust the keys to my wife to this traitor! Traitors also sleep with their one eye open, and they sleep with a teddy, then they enter a nightmare.

Review
Traitors are actually pretty great guys, they have some personality issues but who doesnt these days? Traitors are the complete package, brutus, judas, and rudas, Peace.

SCORE

Zoomers

I got a chopper in the car

Appearance
“Zoooooooom!” Blurred and slurred, the zoomer has a recklessly fast and determined face. His tongue is out on the side of his mouth, flapping in the wind like a weather vane in a tempest. Really though, the tempest is him. If he were zooming any less, perhaps you’d be able to make out the colour of his car, a deep and merciless yellow with stripes of fake-painted-on licks of hellfire from the planet’s core. Usually it’s some beaner driving his ricerocket pimp Cadillac 50 MPH in a school zone.

As the chromed wheels spin, they emit loud shrieks of pain from the abuse they suffer as they are mercilessly curbstomped head-over-wheels over and over, again and again, until they implode from the pain. But as every wheel knows, no pain, no gain. That’s why these sick wheels seem to derive pleasure from the punishment they endure. It’s called hardcore S and M. As for what they gain for the pain, that’s obvious, as these zoomers are constantly gaining on me as I drive from point A to point B.

Personality & Behaviour
These zoomers are contestants in a race -- against themselves. They’ve got a deadline to meet and they can’t use their signal or make any safe maneuvers that you like. Their deadline is that they need to get to the next street in under 5 seconds. Since they never succeed they are constantly frustrated at themselves and other drivers. They are constantly yelling “Fuck!” so that the individual utterances of “fuck” blend together to form a ceaseless murmur of sound, incomprehensible to all but other zoomers. Sadly, a zoomer will never meet another zoomer face to face, except in a head-on collision when they’re drunk as fuck. When the zoomer finally arrives at his destination, he needs assistance in exiting his vehicle because his jelly legs won’t carry him. His caretaker is kept in the trunk of his lambo, where he gets naught but carcrumbs for dinner. These caretakers often perish on the way, but even after death they offer a valuable functionality as a landraft for their feeble wards. Gosh, zoomers are fast.

BTW, this isn’t a joke -- go see Drive, directed by Nicholas Winding Refn, starring Ryan Gosling and Carrey Mulligan, and Albert Brooks, and Hal from Malcom in the Middle and Ron Perlman from Hellboy.

Review
Zoomers are actually pretty great guys, they have some personality issues but who doesnt these days? Zoomers are the complete package, fast, furious, tokya drift, Peace.

SCORE
0-60mph/17mph

Texters

Where's my phone?!

Appearance
Can hardly see their faces, they're so shrouded up in hoodies. They're wearing so many hoodies that they're warm. Their pearl-white iPod earbud cables create a trail of sorts from their iPod to their ears. Be careful not to wave your hands wildly right by their ears, or else you might get tangled up. Shoes are normal, pants normal, just young stuff. They look pretty alright overall, but unfortunately this is all lost to the depths of those fuzzy hoodies. There is plenty of evidence that these kids text. One of the evidence pieces is that they're always texting on their T-Mobile Sidekicks. They hold their Sidekicks in one hand with a gentle grip. Their other hand is freed up to select (using their iPod's trackwheel) the next track on the tracklist of some horrorble hip hop mix'd raptape. This new generation is not on the right track.

Personality & Behaviour
They're so enveloped in their digital world that they can no longer speak. They've digitized themselves to such a degree that they have literally fused themselves to the World Web and can no longer be apart from it. It's as if they are THREADS in a WEB. Try talking to one of these Spidermen, they'll only answer you with words like "In class, call you later" or "Call you later when I'm out of class" or even "Don't call me when I'm in class" or "I love texting," often abbreviated to "lol" or something. It's as if these kids are wired or something. Call an electrician, someone. It's as if all the Baby Boomers, when the girl ones of them gave birth, instead of giving birth to people they gave birth to microchips and other kinds of radiochips. This new generation of yummy chips can hardly breathe for their love of cyberfuel. Gosh, I told you to read a book, not a FaceBook! I told you to text me at my beeper, not my SMARTPHONE. I remember when phones were dumbphones and could barely read my calls, let alone my cool texts. It's as if modes of communication changed...

Review
Texters are actually pretty great texters, they have some personality issues but who doesnt these days? Texters are the complete package, c, u, l8er, Peace.

SCORE

16/17

WednesdayMen

WednesdayMen often hang masks of Odins and Wodens
over their sleep chambers to ward away various Thors

Appearance
They are wearing the same clothes they wore at work, because after a long Wednesday of going to work, they will be too tired to change. Thursday is just around the bend of the night, however, so never fear, pretty soon they'll be ThursdayMen. WednesdayMen have tired bags around their eyes because they stayed up late on Tuesday. Luckily, Wednesday night is a great opportunity to catch up on some much-needed sleep, if they have the wherewithal to go to bed early.

Personality & Behavior
The Wednesdayman faces a humpday dilemma. His first half of the week is behind him, and his second half of the week is in front of him. Most of the time he will decide to proceed to Thursday, but sometimes if he feels like he needs to just unwind and rewind, he won't. There are many limitations to WednesdayMen: they can't see that show they go to every Saturday; they can't spend months of their lives doing something; not even YEARS! Wednesdaymen fatally die when they exit Wednesday. Oops, forgot to mention that WednesdayMen worship the Norse God Odin (later adapted to Woden by the Anglo Saxons), after whom Wednesday is named. To achieve this end, they spend all of their money on Odin merch.

Review
WednesdayMen are actually pretty great guys, they have some personality issues but who doesnt these days? WednesdayMen are the complete package, Thursday in one day, Friday in two more days, That's Almost Saturday for Parties!, Peace.

SCORE
4/7

Hackers

The last thing you see before your computer is
broiled to death by an enemy hacker

App3aranc3

Pale pimpled plump pathetic pesky punks, probably. Precisely speaking, they're light-skinned acne-ridden overweight loserish annoying punks, positively! Their sleek long fingers are totally adapted to Logitech® Keyboards. Their 'nads are totally adapted to shrivelling 100% of the time on their Officemax Acanthus Air Mesh Task Chairs. At their cool Silicon Valley offices, they don't need to dress in suits, it's casual Friday everyday, so go nude or be rude is protocol. At their cool Silicon Valley offices, you're allowed to bring your dogs to work, so it's not uncommon to find a hacker in his favorite color of dogskin. Reminder: the dogskin should be tightly stretched across one's body, lest ye trippe. After work, hang it up in a warm place to dry, lest it loose elasticity. Anyways, I wish he would cut his nails more often, because he scratched me across the back! He ain't gonna win any beauty contests but at least he looks cool. These hackers are programmed from birth to have bad eyes or no eyes, so expect goggles. A hacker must not be a girl, but may have juggs.

P3rs0na1ity & B3havi0ur

Hackers live with their big moms. Their fingers, previously described, interact with keyboards in a manner similar to that of Coldemort and his deathly hallowed wand. With one simple keystroke, say, "Caps Lock," they can obliviate your harddrive like Coldemort obliviated Ron and Harry and Hermione and Donby. Hackers can spread viruses into your bloodstream like Imhotep's deadly mummies. Sometimes, they will open up your computer tower disc drives and fill them with millions of tiny bugs. These cool gnats allow you to open thousands of browser windows filled with free porn and other nudes. But not all hackers are friendly. Some aren't. Some hackers eschew the computer entirely, opting for more primitive hacking tools such as axes and Jigsaws. With these they can hack you up. The only thing a hacker cannot hack is a woman's beautiful puss and its clit. First of all, it's already split. Second, the hacker struggles with intimacy plain and simple. Thirdly and lastly, the greatest turn-off for any woman is a well-executed computer hack. Once the code is compiled, the girl's tip goes dumb, won't say a word. 

Review

Hackers are actually pretty great guys, they have some personality issues but who doesnt these days? Hackers are the complete package, bill gates, linus, and RIP, Peace.

SCORE

13/37

Activists

Delacroix's "Liberty Leading the People" 1830
downloaded for cheap on freewetnudes.org

Appearance
Activists have the longest hair like the 70s, but its shorn like the late 98s. They live in parks, but it's fine. Parks are a public space where you can really make some noise and vent out your frustrations. There are several activists, 99 percent if you're counting. If you happen to stumble upon a nest, you may notice that they are shambling about but generally gravitating towards a queen activist. In the case of bees, this is where the honey would come from, but in the case of activists, not at all. The viscous fluid that they secrete doesn't taste as sweet.

Personality & Behavior
It drives them bonkers that all the world's gold and all the world's jobs are grubbed up by a single percent. It seems unfair that if these cunts are already making zillions as wallstreet fatrat batcats, they should also be occupying positions such as janitor, mayor, assistant, etc, and infinitum. This totalitarian Walmart shit is like the Burger King of McDonald's - a complete Starbucks of a juggernaut. Burger King's offerings pale in comparison to that of McDonald's, but SssshhhhhhhhH, don't tell your friends or post anything on FB because the Patriot Actor will come and get you, if internet censorship SOPAs don't bleep out your words first.

This is the shit Lennon got himself killed for. Lennon's coos of "Imagine" and "Octopus garden in the sea" led the gun straight to his brains. Kabang! Not so active now. Passive would be the word to describe his dead body's sick corpse.

Now let's get down to brass tax. DON'T PEPPER SPRAY AGAINST MY FRIENDS! Signed, the undersigned,

Anonymous Guy Fawkes

Review
Activists are actually pretty great guys, they have some personality issues but who doesnt these days? Activists are the complete package, taxation, representation, raiders nation, Peace.

SCORE
99%

French Girls

Couldn't find the brassiere on her if you looked with a ten foot pole
that had extendable bug-eyes that would otherwise be blind if it had
no eyes

Appearance
Looks like a normal classy girl with red lipstick. A cigarette dangles from her lipsticked lipz, ashes teetering on the edge of the cigarette, just dying to jump. She has beautiful fashion, like a beret or clasped sweater. It is chic, not unlike Zooey Deschanel, but with more sex appeal like Serge Gainsbourg, the famous songsinger. It's so sick, however, that she doesn't shave! And it's so gross that she doesn't wear antiperspirant. But she's still beautiful because she has that carefree baguettitude. Like a fresh, crisp baguette first thing from the baker's in the morn, you just want to butter her butt like Last Tango (in Gay Paree). Luckily, she's really American. The thing is, she just idealizes French culture -- a francophile is what it's called.

Personality & Behaviour
Always late for French 101 but the professor doesn't care because they've established a questionable relationship because of their meetings outside of class to get Frog's Legs and escargot meat. She speaks English, but will find any excuse to launch into Camus, Godard, Jacques Cousteau, and French presidents. She knows that Paris is the best city, which is why she has a wallet that has the word "Paris" on it, with an ugly background to boot. She misses the days when the Eiffel Tower was the tallest building ever erected. She's a foodie and loves ratatouille and, once again, Frog's Legs and escargot meat. She hates living in vulgar America, would rather live in vulgar France where the men can ravish you with wines, mimes, and striped shirts. Ultimately, though, she's best compared to a mouse because of her hoarding of the finest cheeses.

Review
French Girls are actually pretty great girls, they have some personality issues but who doesnt these days? French Girls are the complete package, liberté, égalité, fraternité, Peace.

SCORE
Deux/Dix-Sept