Babies

A tyke with his arms and legs spread-eagled 

Guest post by Peter S, who dislikes our blog.

Appearance

You can ID a new baby because it wasn’t there a second ago, and now, splash, it is. Babies are usually surrounded by people making faces they think babies will like. Babies have lots of different smells, from “new” to “used”. No baby looks like its parent until it finally grows a face. Babies also have more baby mittens than anyone else you know. Also, they almost never wear the same baby mitten twice. Sometimes babies stop breathing for no apparent reason.

Personality & Behaviour
These young tots are part diva, part exotic pet, and very cute acting. Feeding a baby a lemon results in cute sputters, coughs and other signs of distress. Be sure to remove the lemon carefully, or it might get more deeply lodged in the baby’s widdle tiny throat. Babies are poor linguists and have very little endurance or patience for strenuous activity, but that's fine, no one really likes public speaking or marathons, and babies are just up front about it. Sometimes a baby will simply die because it is no longer breathing. This mystic, trippy force who takes the baby away is called Sid. After Sid has strangled these babies, they die and turn to piles of dust. This dust has many practical uses, like covering your best friend in cool dust! Shower time.

Babies stop being babies when a younger baby shows up, or when it starts talking too much. At this point, a baby generally Morphs, like a young soft little worm hatching into a cool butterfly.

Review
Babies are actually pretty great. They have some personality issues but who doesn't these days? Babies are the complete package, placenta, cord, and the womb, Peace.

SCORE
0/17

Charlie Sheens

contact music.corm for more info

Special guest post by Jacob Goldin, brother bear and former Violent Jaye

Appearance
Charlie Sheens have many different ways of looking to enforce their many mysterious illusions. Charlie Sheens are also sometimes portrayed as Veteran Vietnam Veterans. Charlie Sheens look occasionally panicked or frantic, but that’s just the way they are sometimes. Some Charlie Sheens have different television shows, like shows on TLC, FX, USA Network, and Channel 4. These shows feature at least one Sheen and an accompanying cast, plus editing and directing and gaffers, best boy. When the best boy grows up, he might just be the best man for the job- your Wedding Man.

Personality & Behaviour
The Charlie Sheen might come off as erratic to the common viewer, but generally has a sweet soul. Charlie Sheens frequently might jump out at you, but keep in mind they mean no harm. Basically, Charlie Sheens are fairly approachable men, who one might go to for counsel. To make friends with a Sheen, one might simply slap his leg twice with his left hand–allowing the Sheen to relax– then once in a calm state approach the Sheen from his rear and gently rub his back with a sensual touch.

Review
Charlie Sheens are actually pretty great guys, they have some personality issues but who doesnt these days? Charlie Sheens are the complete package, sugar, spice, and everything nice!!, Peace.

SCORE
15/17

Usain Bolt

"Yotzee! I got a yotzee!!!" That's five dice the same

special guest post by Kostya Kavutskiy, chess Wizkid

Appearance
Fast, this is a speedy individual. A yellow, green, and blacc blur, Usain St. Leo Bolt is known to many as the fastest mammal on the planet. Young, well-toned, and a bright star, his aero-dynamic face is perfect for promoting really good products that have utility or high flavor. Swift and public in his dancing, he's never been still for a photograph, despite many attempts.

Personality & Behavior
A hard-working, trustworthy, cereal eating athlete. He can do nothing else but sprint. With 3 olympic gold medals to his name and the fact that he once ran 100 meters in 9.58 seconds (with no tailwind), wow, great. But also his surname is just too perfect. Also he's been known to attend parties hosted by Jamaica countryman Sean Kingston. Don't forget he's also quite laid-back and relaxed! He'll train only to run, but never will he run for a train. “Ja” has never succeeded in makin him crazy; it's the vibrant culture and weedsmokethick atmosphere of Jamrock itself that makin him crazy.

Review
Usain Bolt is a pretty great chillaxin cheetah, he has some personality issues but who doesnt these days? Usain Bolt is the complete package, the nimble, the quick, and the jumping over the candle-stick, Peace.

SCORE

9.58/17

Shooters

A Shooter carefully taking aim on his latest
target, an innocent white mouse

Appearance

Shooters have oversize AK-47s and big-ass trenches for coats. They can usually be seen alone at the cafeteria; the only one who pays attention to them is the bully. Bullies tend to home in on their trenches, first. "Where'd you get that big-ass trench, Mister? What are you hiding under that big-ass trench, a gun? You dumb idiot shooter." After that, the bully homes in on the shooter's tiny little dick, which is sticking out of his fly for some reason. "Wow," he screeches. "Wo! Behold, my brethren, schoolchildren at this school, take a look at limpy. Softer than my soft velvet at home. Come on! Get hard!" he wheezes. Everyone laughs at Shooter, like the girl he secretly likes Jen. Little do they know in the privacy of his home he does in fact get hard for Jen. He doesn't reveal this fact, cries some bullets, and leaves. This shooter is dark.

Personality & Behaviour

Shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot. That's the sound he constantly imitates when he's thinking of guns, which is usually the case with Shooter. His mind is like an impenetrable fortress: it has a moat, with crocks. Crocks are something of a hobby animal for Shooters- you can easily see why, no better animal to fill with lead. Shooters have Etsy accounts where they sell their handmade crock handbags and slippers, plus Croc brand shoes. NEVER buy from a Shooter's Etsy because you will undoubtedly receive a trench instead of whatever you ordered. Or worse, a gun. And then where will you be leaving this poor Shooter? He'll be completely bare and unarmed, nude to the core like skeletons. 

His AK is well-oiled and very very strong. Sleek, and hard, there's also a little horn on top for honking just for fun. His gunn has recoil effects but don't expect a Shooter to recoil in horror because that's what the gun's for. As for a name, just call me X. In regards to the gun's name, though, Hank the Gun! Shooter and Hank the Gun are a match made in the fiery furnaces of LIVING HELL.. if you get on top of his Baddside, don't expect to be rewarded with candies and other treats/sweets/whatever. Prepare yourself for the coming onslaught of AK-47s; you'll be buried beneath them in no time at all. Help me! Get me out of these guns! But would you help someone like that? -------> Sound off below. Roger, that.

Review
Shooters are actually pretty great guys, they have some personality issues but who doesnt these days? Shooters are the complete package, columbine, v-tech, and Gabrielle Giffords, Peace.

SCORE
0.0883/17, for effort

God

Controversial blacc U-GOD as seen in Bruce Almighty 1,
box office smash hit success

Appearance
Tall, first of all. Yao Ming is a famous tall man; imagine someone double his height, and triple his weight. Usually, God has thick, warm, white robes on, with a beard too. God is truly warped, like some Escher painting, MC Escher. If God were to put on a hat, who knows what kind of hat it would be, because God can do Anything. You haven't even considered .00001% of the possible sorts of hats that can be donned by God (Goddonned) and I don't expect you to. However, just to be on the safe side, God usually just wears a pope hat and a messenger Boy hat on top of his trademark pope hat. On the safer side, and on a good day, he simply wears a hybrid of the two, like toyota Prious. His most famous feature is probably his scarface, but that's excusable due to he got fucked up.

Personality & Behaviour
Beyond our knowing. Like Lord Voldemort, God is also my sweet lord by Jorj Harris. Top researchers say that he most likely is A-Type personality, super-aggressive and a go-getter, more likely to get your favorite job than you. God's friends are his angels; his enemy: Satan. Remember when God was young? He was so random. But now, God uses tips, tricks and secrets to bend reality to his will. He has the ability to kill ANYONE on Planet Earth. In a similar fashion, if he chose to, he could also put anyone into a mindnumbing trance that hypnotizes them completely. Once enough of these slaves have been manufactured, he can have them all fight each other at last.

God commandments abound like no smoking or even doing your neighbour's wife. You can't even e-cig or e-sleep with your neighbour's babe. Hookah is out of the question, and don't even try to be a homo. Do you have wishes? Prayer them, that's the ticket. God can answer Prays! If you Pray, don't expect it to be answered immediately. Pray it, don't spray it.

U-God is an entirely different beast of a horse of an entirely different sort of colour. Monumental wrap group Wutang Clang employed U-God to spice up their wraps. Little did they know that he was such a U-GOD. He solved Da mystery of chessboxin and went on to defeat Bobby Fisher, chess wizkhalifa. U-God's powers rival God's but ultimately, when it comes down to it, more people know about God so that's a wrap.

Review
God is actually a pretty great guy, He has some personality issues but who doesnt these days? God is the complete package, the Father, Son, and the Ghost, Peace.

SCORE
3.1415926/17

Homos

Homo Heidelbergensis, nicknamed "Salc" by discoverer Salk Q.

Appearance
When God wrote the Bible earlier he stipulated that he made Adam and Eve and not Adam and Steve. When God wrote Stuart Little, he decreed that the main character would be a little white mouse, not Adam and Steve. And when God wrote Dune, he decided that the spice must flow, not the cum from Adam or Steve or worse both together in unison. The reason for this is fuck faggots: think about it. Have you ever pictured what a gay sex sesh is like? Dick here, dick there, dick here, dick there -- ahH! That oughta hurt. Impossibly flexible, undeniably sleek, really buff, and pretty reasonable, and totally awesome, homos represent the pinnacle of human evil. Twinks look like evil little boys, bears look like evil old bears, and otters are furry little guys. The ONLY redeeming factor of a homo is his DSL. If he has real good DSL, he can really handle your down-load even if it is many megabytes or even gigabytes on mediafire or just a torrent of your favorite music. Either way, if you haven't looked in to it, right now is the best time to get a new Macbook Pro Air.

Personality & Behaviour
Gay homos have one eensy-weensy, miniscule, germ-sized, tiny little problem: can't get any puss. Even though girls find themselves flocking to gay men, the homos simply can't make the move. They can't even r*pe a woman at gunpoint. It should be noted however that r*pe isn't about sex, it's about power. Do the math: if you bed over 90 women, you get 180 power points. Most gay men don't even use PowerPoint, they use Keynote.

Frequently Asked Qs:

• Q: Where do gay people buy their condoms? A: The condom store just like everyone else!
• Q: What's the best part of a gay blowjob? A: All the cum.
• Q: How does a gay dike woman have sex? A: With scissors. Ouch. 
• Q: Is being gay caused by upbringing or by jeans? A: A combination of jeans and upbringing is the current theory. Some jeans are simply gay, like Gay Levi's. If you choose Levi's you are more likely to end up straight. 
• Q: How come gay people are so afraid of the AIDS virus?

Review
Homos are actually pretty great guys, they have some personality issues but who doesn't these days? Homos are the complete package, Elton John, Magic Johnson, and just regular guys like you and me, Peace.

SCORE
Geight/17

Hairy Potter

Here's Hairy, or did you think this was a common furball? ;)

Appearance
Can't really see him under all that goddamn hair. Bigfoot would be proud, or maybe ashamed to lose the contest of Hairiest Potter. No brush or comb could do justice to his beautiful luscious golden locks until he learned magic and got off the hair. Anyways, Hairy Potter is this one wizkid who looks like the acclaimed British starr Dan Radcliffe, except, well, with more hair! You're gonna want to sit down, because you won't believe some of these factoids. If you were to count the individual hairs on Hairy Potter the character's body, you would find very, very many -- an impossibly high number of human hairs. If, say, a computer were to process his hair into a computer database, you'd need a database larger than normal to accommodate the massive amount of unique hair files. The number of human hairs on Hairy Potter's young body is larger even than the number of snows on Mt. Everest. Not even the disciplined Buddhist monks who tend to the Mt. have ever counted even half of the snows -- must sherpas die trying? All they would have to do is count Hairy's fucking hairs, anyway.

Personality & Behaviour
The hairs begin to grow as deep as 2 cm under the skin, and, get this, they are made of the same material as your fingernails, assuming your fingernails are made of thin, oily human hairs. After that, provided the host gets the proper nutrients, the hairs have a long journey to go. They rupture the skin, bleeding as they go, with nary a care in the world. Luckily, the host's scabby appearance is great. Most people think it's fucking awesome. And anyway, growing pains are just part of life. Once your body has been engulfed with hair, it's time to find a position as a Hairy Potter. Unfortunately, there is but one. It's up to you now to carve your own niche in this habitat we call L.A.

Review
Hairy Potter is actually a pretty great wizkid, he has some personality issues but who doesn't these days? Hairy Potter is the complete package, blonde, brunette, or nothin, Peace.

SCORE
8/17

Wizkids

Lee "Michael Jordan" Jordan faithfully recreated
in the Sims 3 by Matthew and Travis

Appearance
Robed, strobed, and ready to roll, Wizkids are the best! Picture a Wizkid- now, rotate him 90-degrees in your mind's eye. Add a drop of magic and there it is. The image ensnares the senses, tantalizes your very brains. In reality though, the Wizkid can't even look like that, ever. Actually, they look like short nerds with bad fashion and glasses to top off your bad impression, acne too. Smart, though, to the bone. Only booksmarts, though, no real common sense. Though, he may be really tall, like super tall. However, this also might not be the case. One famous nerd got wheelchaired, but he can't talk. Even though Einstein never got good grades in school, he still ended up completely paralyzed and invented the H-bomb. To this day, dead victims of the H-bomb DO NOT read A Brief History of Time. Anyways, Einstein was mostly famous for his hair which is now a Wizkid classic.

Personality & Behaviour
These brainiacs can do many spells. If they're bad, they do dark magic. And if they're white, they tend to do better, overall. White magic is used to make things look prettier, better genes. Dark magic, however, is apeshit. White magic, on the other hand, babeshit. But, on the other hand, dark magic is completely evil and only Voldemorts use it. Third hand, white magic can't jump. Can't dance, either. But black people can do both. Picture this. An awkward old white fart trying to score a basketball jump. Try as he might, he can't get lift off. Eddie Murphy slythers up from behind, jumps and scores. Blastoff. Houston, we got game. Basically, Eddie Murphy is the best and frankly I cant wait to see him in Harry Potter. Another option is for him to be in the Nutty Professor, but either way there's gonna be movie magic happening on screen. White wizkids talk like this: Sir, please. But black wizkids are more like: hey, sir, please, buddy.

Review
Wizkids are actually pretty great guys, they have some personality issues but who doesnt these days? Wizkids are the complete package, the abra, the kadabra, and the kazaaam (sp), Peace.

SCORE
17/17 (Impossible, a wizkid's work!!)

Smeagle

Gallum and... Emma Watson Completely Nude (you'll shit bricks)

Introduction

This week on People Blog, we have a special treat for you, the audience. Treat is.. Daniel Radcliffe submitted this guest post, the acclaimed British star.

Appearance
Gollum looks like a little old wonderful man. He has bulging eyes, a pocket full of delicious butterscotch candies, and great stories dating back to Operation Gulf War by George W Bush. He is very (my) precious and doesn't have all his teeth or normal sized ears. Ugly but in a cute, gross way.

Personality & Behaviour
Gollum is a house helper who helps Sam Wizard and Elijah Woods. They need to find the ring or potions and throw it into the fires but only before it's too late. After that, it will be too late. He talks to himself and has another name, Liv Tyler. Liv Tyler likes the ring because she's a Jersey Girl and it makes people and/or house helpers become invisible. His other personality is Aragorn (sp), King of People. In the movie Bilbo Baggins and the Two Towers, Argorn is played by Vigo Mortensen of the Purple Rose of Cairo (jk, April Fools Days, 2011). Vigo Mortensen's split personality is Orlanda Bloon (sp) who is Pirates. Gollum's personality is very introverted. And by introverted, I of course mean that he is the type to fall into volcanoes, which are nature's goblets of fire. Gollum once wisely said, as he was walking into Mortork, "One does not simply walk into Mordor, my precious". Gollum twice wisely said, "16", in response to Gimmles when Gimmles
asked him how many Ents he killed. Gollum's other personality Pipi likes second breakfast but he shall not pass.

Review
Gollum is actually a pretty great guy, he has some split-personality issues but who doesn't these days? Gollum is the complete package, return, of, the, king, Peace.

SCORE
0/17

Alert:

Full Disclosure:

April Fools Day! It's by My Friend, not Daniel Radcliffe