Teens

Sometimes a teen will have skin w/ braces to boot

Appearance
Teens look like long stringy beans with arms and Janspurts. Their voices sport cracks and their skins sport pimples on their skins. Their butts also sport cracks ( ;) ). Puberty is an alarming thing: sometimes one part of your body will grow really big, out of proportion to the rest of your body. That's why you may see a teen sporting a 10 foot long middle finger which they may brandish in an uncouth youth manner. Teens have a surly look to their scowls, which are steaming hot and ready to be thrown at a nearby parent. These streaming hot scowls can be used for any number of purposes, actually! They can be used to get money or go out to a friend.

Some teens don't look completely developed yet, like a long kid or a scrinched scrunt adult. If there's grass on the field, though, play a ball game with 'er.

Personality & Behaviour
These uncouth youths may soothe a smooth sleuth for a loofah, but the truth is that they boofed Ruth in the booth and lost their teeth. Ruth is really FIT.

Actually, they're just young adults trying to seek a place in the world. They may go through several transformations throughout their teen years. A kid might start out as a Goth, and end up a complete Slut by the next year. Before you know it, this 16 year old Slut has become a 17 year old Greaser. Next year, Head Cheerleader and adult who smokes. What we're trying to say is that teens are curious about the world and its wonders. "I wonder what this cigarette tastes like." "I wonder what this Grease will do to my hair." "I wonder what I'd be known as if I slept with any guy who was even remotely interested in my curves." "I wonder if Goth is something I can stick with for some time."

Review
Teens are actually pretty great youths, they have some personality issues but who doesnt these days? Teens are the complete package, sex, drugs, and rock, and roll, Peace.

SCORE
13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19 / 17

WednesdayMen Redux

WednesdayMen often hang masks of Odins and Wodens
over their sleep chambers to ward away various Thors

Appearance
They are wearing the same clothes they wore at work, because after a long Wednesday of going to work, they will be too tired to change. Thursday is just around the bend of the night, however, so never fear, pretty soon they'll be ThursdayMen. WednesdayMen have tired bags around their eyes because they stayed up late on Tuesday. Luckily, Wednesday night is a great opportunity to catch up on some much-needed sleep, if they have the wherewithal to go to bed early.

Personality & Behavior
The Wednesdayman faces a humpday dilemma. His first half of the week is behind him, and his second half of the week is in front of him. Most of the time he will decide to proceed to Thursday, but sometimes if he feels like he needs to just unwind and rewind, he won't. There are many limitations to WednesdayMen: they can't see that show they go to every Saturday; they can't spend months of their lives doing something; not even YEARS! Wednesdaymen fatally die when they exit Wednesday. Oops, forgot to mention that WednesdayMen worship the Norse God Odin (later adapted to Woden by the Anglo Saxons), after whom Wednesday is named. To achieve this end, they spend all of their money on Odin merch.

Review
WednesdayMen are actually pretty great guys, they have some personality issues but who doesnt these days? WednesdayMen are the complete package, Thursday in one day, Friday in two more days, That's Almost Saturday for Parties!, Peace.

SCORE
4/7

Boxers

Jackie Chan unleashing his finishing move in round 10

Appearance
Muhammad Ali, for example, floats -like a butterfly, produces honey for a queen bee -like a bee. Most boxers don't look like giant bugs, however. Most are fit young blacks or whites or Filps who prance around the ring but then punch at you. Their version of muscles is called Lean Muscles. Similarly, there is such a thing called Lean Meat, to be purchased at Ralphs. Similarly to that, there is something a boxer can do called Leaning to the side, which is a counterproductive boxing strategem/strategy. Try to stand up straight, even Lean Back a little like Fat Joe's Terror Squad of frightening Boxers. To give an example of how a boxer dresses, one might reference a picture of a common Cangaroo wearing boxing gloves and shorts.  The shorts are shiny and the gloves are dick-tip red. In the distance, there is a trainer who is gesticulating wildly and saying things like, "You can take on the world now." The way I envision the boxing ring from movies, the trainer is usually positioned directly behind his own boxer, so only the enemy boxer can perceive his handular and voxular advice. What? Who thought up that brilliant fucking set up? Switch sides.

Personality & Behaviour
I don't think boxers are mad at each other, the only reason they're fighting is that it's time to box. Philosophically, boxers don't need to punch. A boxer could just box mentally over a game of chess, but their opponent may wish to continue pummeling you to crispy shreds. In other words, it's boxing time.

Trav steps into the ring with his boxing gloves and shorts on, plus handwraps under for safety. He puts a lemon in his mouth. But the problem is Matt, replete with boxing gloves, shorts, handwraps, and citrus, also steps into the ring. And that's when things start to heat up: their trainers, beet-red, vivid with fury, put their long angry fingers into the air as if the air in the room is one giant pussy for fingering, and tell them to fight ASAP. Trav takes a step forward, pratfalls. Matt's banana trap was a critical hit, but not very effective - because it looks like Trav is up again, throwing a slugger at Matt's left jaw. Matt takes the hit, lingers, then decides to retaliate with an even stronger hit. Trav doesn't anticipate this surprise move so he gets slugged but it's fine because he's got his own slug to shoot- straight to Matt's critical area. Matt blushes. OK, he thinks, sticks and stones may break my bones. And it's true: Matt's bones are all shattered, but it's a perfect opportunity to wield a stray bone against Trav and slice him up with this sharp bone. Trav hates bones so he runs away but then he bounces off the ropes and gets boned to the bone. In the end, it was a violent fight.

Review
Boxers are actually pretty great guys, they have some personality issues but who doesnt these days? Boxers are the complete package, strike 1, strike 2, strike 3 KO, Peace.

SCORE
11/17

Celebs

She always keeps a list of all the guys she kissed. It's a celeb.

Appearance
Not necessarily hot, but the best celebs truly are. I'd still fuck the ugly ones though, because they're celebs. Ultimately even the ugly ones are fairly attractive if you saw them on the club, but not by celeb standards. They wear sunglasses out in public to prevent people from recognizing them as celebs, but because celebs are the only ones who do that, then beautiful glasses girls must be celebs. Luckily there is another function to the sunglasses: eye protection. These prescription sunglasses prevent enemy fans from harming their precious eyes. Another added benefit to the glasses is if you don't want people to know what you're feeling if you have social anxiety disorder, like how I used to wear jackets all the time in my early tween years, also to hide my erections I thought everyone would notice. Really though when it comes to pretween erections they are NOT ok...... I should have been born a girl so all I would have to hide is my wet sclit and my amorphous breasts.

Personality & Behaviour
They act, they model, they put out sextapes and they monetize them. They sing, they dance, they entertain us all with their yucky antics. You can even hear rumors about them if you want. Some are more specialized. Tom Cruise cruises, Penelope Cruz cruzes... No more. But let's try a switcharoo: who isn't a celeb? Jeremy isn't a celeb, nor is R. or my cousin Stuart. But if you think about it, Jeremy Irons, R. Kelly, and French Stewart!!!

If 1 person knows you, you're obscure. If 99999 people know you, you're a celeb. That's celebs. Basically the key to becoming one is introducing yourself. Just be friendly, open and receptive to new ideas. Don't be forgettable and always be sure to star in TV pilots. If you see a history textbook, scrawl your name on every page. There are tons of names in history textbooks that little scrawny 5th graders have to memorize so it may as well be your names. Don't forget mathbooks -- numbers are names, too! That's an equation for success. Next step is always be a good boy -- then you will be a celeb. Don't abuse your newfound power. Power= responsibility= Spiderman; so be sure to be cast as Tobey Maguire.

Oh, we forget to mention, change your names to Tobey Macquire.

Review
Celebs are actually pretty great guys, they have some personality issues but who doesnt these days? Celebs are the complete package, kim, khloe, and kourtney, and Lamar Odom, Peace.

SCORE
√/17

Traitors

This is the Tubman who betrayed the profitable plantations
by creating a Trailroad underneath the Earth's crust,
accidentally suffocating all the slaves in the process...
This is why we no longer use cotton or eat tobacco.
Traitory benefits no one.

Appearance
Their biggest physical trait is their long pinochiNose. This pinochiNose is derived from lying. Their second biggest trait is the expression of loyalty you find on their fake little faces. This following trait may be their worst trait, or at least their most noticeable. The trait is that they might be either fat or skinny, tall or ugly. And the last trait is an important trait. It's their Benedict Arnold T-shirt. And their final trait is their bigass trate.

Personality & Behaviour
With all these physical traits, is there room for them to have behavior? Yeah. The first trait of their behavior is their dumb stupid backstabbing of you and yours. The best plans can be undone by the worst traitors. They're always running their mouths, the sick sycophants. When you are planning a terrorism, be sure not to invite known traitors into your midst because they will definitely tell on you to Big Brother Bush. Word Fact: Don't confuse "traitors" and "traders." If you are planning on committing a trade, don't invite a traitor, because they'll try to trade you all their energies for your 1st edition shiny Charizard. Better to invite a trader, because then you'll get a good deal that benefits you both (win-win) -- perchance a holographic Blue Eyes White Dragon for your shiny Charizard. Now that's the difference between traitors and traders.

Mainly traitors sleep with your wife. They said they wouldn't.... they promised to you that they wouldn't ravage our wife when we weren't there, but then they did! Why, oh why did I entrust the keys to my wife to this traitor! Traitors also sleep with their one eye open, and they sleep with a teddy, then they enter a nightmare.

Review
Traitors are actually pretty great guys, they have some personality issues but who doesnt these days? Traitors are the complete package, brutus, judas, and rudas, Peace.

SCORE

Zoomers

I got a chopper in the car

Appearance
“Zoooooooom!” Blurred and slurred, the zoomer has a recklessly fast and determined face. His tongue is out on the side of his mouth, flapping in the wind like a weather vane in a tempest. Really though, the tempest is him. If he were zooming any less, perhaps you’d be able to make out the colour of his car, a deep and merciless yellow with stripes of fake-painted-on licks of hellfire from the planet’s core. Usually it’s some beaner driving his ricerocket pimp Cadillac 50 MPH in a school zone.

As the chromed wheels spin, they emit loud shrieks of pain from the abuse they suffer as they are mercilessly curbstomped head-over-wheels over and over, again and again, until they implode from the pain. But as every wheel knows, no pain, no gain. That’s why these sick wheels seem to derive pleasure from the punishment they endure. It’s called hardcore S and M. As for what they gain for the pain, that’s obvious, as these zoomers are constantly gaining on me as I drive from point A to point B.

Personality & Behaviour
These zoomers are contestants in a race -- against themselves. They’ve got a deadline to meet and they can’t use their signal or make any safe maneuvers that you like. Their deadline is that they need to get to the next street in under 5 seconds. Since they never succeed they are constantly frustrated at themselves and other drivers. They are constantly yelling “Fuck!” so that the individual utterances of “fuck” blend together to form a ceaseless murmur of sound, incomprehensible to all but other zoomers. Sadly, a zoomer will never meet another zoomer face to face, except in a head-on collision when they’re drunk as fuck. When the zoomer finally arrives at his destination, he needs assistance in exiting his vehicle because his jelly legs won’t carry him. His caretaker is kept in the trunk of his lambo, where he gets naught but carcrumbs for dinner. These caretakers often perish on the way, but even after death they offer a valuable functionality as a landraft for their feeble wards. Gosh, zoomers are fast.

BTW, this isn’t a joke -- go see Drive, directed by Nicholas Winding Refn, starring Ryan Gosling and Carrey Mulligan, and Albert Brooks, and Hal from Malcom in the Middle and Ron Perlman from Hellboy.

Review
Zoomers are actually pretty great guys, they have some personality issues but who doesnt these days? Zoomers are the complete package, fast, furious, tokya drift, Peace.

SCORE
0-60mph/17mph

Texters

Where's my phone?!

Appearance
Can hardly see their faces, they're so shrouded up in hoodies. They're wearing so many hoodies that they're warm. Their pearl-white iPod earbud cables create a trail of sorts from their iPod to their ears. Be careful not to wave your hands wildly right by their ears, or else you might get tangled up. Shoes are normal, pants normal, just young stuff. They look pretty alright overall, but unfortunately this is all lost to the depths of those fuzzy hoodies. There is plenty of evidence that these kids text. One of the evidence pieces is that they're always texting on their T-Mobile Sidekicks. They hold their Sidekicks in one hand with a gentle grip. Their other hand is freed up to select (using their iPod's trackwheel) the next track on the tracklist of some horrorble hip hop mix'd raptape. This new generation is not on the right track.

Personality & Behaviour
They're so enveloped in their digital world that they can no longer speak. They've digitized themselves to such a degree that they have literally fused themselves to the World Web and can no longer be apart from it. It's as if they are THREADS in a WEB. Try talking to one of these Spidermen, they'll only answer you with words like "In class, call you later" or "Call you later when I'm out of class" or even "Don't call me when I'm in class" or "I love texting," often abbreviated to "lol" or something. It's as if these kids are wired or something. Call an electrician, someone. It's as if all the Baby Boomers, when the girl ones of them gave birth, instead of giving birth to people they gave birth to microchips and other kinds of radiochips. This new generation of yummy chips can hardly breathe for their love of cyberfuel. Gosh, I told you to read a book, not a FaceBook! I told you to text me at my beeper, not my SMARTPHONE. I remember when phones were dumbphones and could barely read my calls, let alone my cool texts. It's as if modes of communication changed...

Review
Texters are actually pretty great texters, they have some personality issues but who doesnt these days? Texters are the complete package, c, u, l8er, Peace.

SCORE

16/17

WednesdayMen

WednesdayMen often hang masks of Odins and Wodens
over their sleep chambers to ward away various Thors

Appearance
They are wearing the same clothes they wore at work, because after a long Wednesday of going to work, they will be too tired to change. Thursday is just around the bend of the night, however, so never fear, pretty soon they'll be ThursdayMen. WednesdayMen have tired bags around their eyes because they stayed up late on Tuesday. Luckily, Wednesday night is a great opportunity to catch up on some much-needed sleep, if they have the wherewithal to go to bed early.

Personality & Behavior
The Wednesdayman faces a humpday dilemma. His first half of the week is behind him, and his second half of the week is in front of him. Most of the time he will decide to proceed to Thursday, but sometimes if he feels like he needs to just unwind and rewind, he won't. There are many limitations to WednesdayMen: they can't see that show they go to every Saturday; they can't spend months of their lives doing something; not even YEARS! Wednesdaymen fatally die when they exit Wednesday. Oops, forgot to mention that WednesdayMen worship the Norse God Odin (later adapted to Woden by the Anglo Saxons), after whom Wednesday is named. To achieve this end, they spend all of their money on Odin merch.

Review
WednesdayMen are actually pretty great guys, they have some personality issues but who doesnt these days? WednesdayMen are the complete package, Thursday in one day, Friday in two more days, That's Almost Saturday for Parties!, Peace.

SCORE
4/7

Hackers

The last thing you see before your computer is
broiled to death by an enemy hacker

App3aranc3

Pale pimpled plump pathetic pesky punks, probably. Precisely speaking, they're light-skinned acne-ridden overweight loserish annoying punks, positively! Their sleek long fingers are totally adapted to Logitech® Keyboards. Their 'nads are totally adapted to shrivelling 100% of the time on their Officemax Acanthus Air Mesh Task Chairs. At their cool Silicon Valley offices, they don't need to dress in suits, it's casual Friday everyday, so go nude or be rude is protocol. At their cool Silicon Valley offices, you're allowed to bring your dogs to work, so it's not uncommon to find a hacker in his favorite color of dogskin. Reminder: the dogskin should be tightly stretched across one's body, lest ye trippe. After work, hang it up in a warm place to dry, lest it loose elasticity. Anyways, I wish he would cut his nails more often, because he scratched me across the back! He ain't gonna win any beauty contests but at least he looks cool. These hackers are programmed from birth to have bad eyes or no eyes, so expect goggles. A hacker must not be a girl, but may have juggs.

P3rs0na1ity & B3havi0ur

Hackers live with their big moms. Their fingers, previously described, interact with keyboards in a manner similar to that of Coldemort and his deathly hallowed wand. With one simple keystroke, say, "Caps Lock," they can obliviate your harddrive like Coldemort obliviated Ron and Harry and Hermione and Donby. Hackers can spread viruses into your bloodstream like Imhotep's deadly mummies. Sometimes, they will open up your computer tower disc drives and fill them with millions of tiny bugs. These cool gnats allow you to open thousands of browser windows filled with free porn and other nudes. But not all hackers are friendly. Some aren't. Some hackers eschew the computer entirely, opting for more primitive hacking tools such as axes and Jigsaws. With these they can hack you up. The only thing a hacker cannot hack is a woman's beautiful puss and its clit. First of all, it's already split. Second, the hacker struggles with intimacy plain and simple. Thirdly and lastly, the greatest turn-off for any woman is a well-executed computer hack. Once the code is compiled, the girl's tip goes dumb, won't say a word. 

Review

Hackers are actually pretty great guys, they have some personality issues but who doesnt these days? Hackers are the complete package, bill gates, linus, and RIP, Peace.

SCORE

13/37

Activists

Delacroix's "Liberty Leading the People" 1830
downloaded for cheap on freewetnudes.org

Appearance
Activists have the longest hair like the 70s, but its shorn like the late 98s. They live in parks, but it's fine. Parks are a public space where you can really make some noise and vent out your frustrations. There are several activists, 99 percent if you're counting. If you happen to stumble upon a nest, you may notice that they are shambling about but generally gravitating towards a queen activist. In the case of bees, this is where the honey would come from, but in the case of activists, not at all. The viscous fluid that they secrete doesn't taste as sweet.

Personality & Behavior
It drives them bonkers that all the world's gold and all the world's jobs are grubbed up by a single percent. It seems unfair that if these cunts are already making zillions as wallstreet fatrat batcats, they should also be occupying positions such as janitor, mayor, assistant, etc, and infinitum. This totalitarian Walmart shit is like the Burger King of McDonald's - a complete Starbucks of a juggernaut. Burger King's offerings pale in comparison to that of McDonald's, but SssshhhhhhhhH, don't tell your friends or post anything on FB because the Patriot Actor will come and get you, if internet censorship SOPAs don't bleep out your words first.

This is the shit Lennon got himself killed for. Lennon's coos of "Imagine" and "Octopus garden in the sea" led the gun straight to his brains. Kabang! Not so active now. Passive would be the word to describe his dead body's sick corpse.

Now let's get down to brass tax. DON'T PEPPER SPRAY AGAINST MY FRIENDS! Signed, the undersigned,

Anonymous Guy Fawkes

Review
Activists are actually pretty great guys, they have some personality issues but who doesnt these days? Activists are the complete package, taxation, representation, raiders nation, Peace.

SCORE
99%

French Girls

Couldn't find the brassiere on her if you looked with a ten foot pole
that had extendable bug-eyes that would otherwise be blind if it had
no eyes

Appearance
Looks like a normal classy girl with red lipstick. A cigarette dangles from her lipsticked lipz, ashes teetering on the edge of the cigarette, just dying to jump. She has beautiful fashion, like a beret or clasped sweater. It is chic, not unlike Zooey Deschanel, but with more sex appeal like Serge Gainsbourg, the famous songsinger. It's so sick, however, that she doesn't shave! And it's so gross that she doesn't wear antiperspirant. But she's still beautiful because she has that carefree baguettitude. Like a fresh, crisp baguette first thing from the baker's in the morn, you just want to butter her butt like Last Tango (in Gay Paree). Luckily, she's really American. The thing is, she just idealizes French culture -- a francophile is what it's called.

Personality & Behaviour
Always late for French 101 but the professor doesn't care because they've established a questionable relationship because of their meetings outside of class to get Frog's Legs and escargot meat. She speaks English, but will find any excuse to launch into Camus, Godard, Jacques Cousteau, and French presidents. She knows that Paris is the best city, which is why she has a wallet that has the word "Paris" on it, with an ugly background to boot. She misses the days when the Eiffel Tower was the tallest building ever erected. She's a foodie and loves ratatouille and, once again, Frog's Legs and escargot meat. She hates living in vulgar America, would rather live in vulgar France where the men can ravish you with wines, mimes, and striped shirts. Ultimately, though, she's best compared to a mouse because of her hoarding of the finest cheeses.

Review
French Girls are actually pretty great girls, they have some personality issues but who doesnt these days? French Girls are the complete package, liberté, égalité, fraternité, Peace.

SCORE
Deux/Dix-Sept

A Very Very Special Announcement

I wonder why we had Guest Year. Maybe we needed some time to work on a special surprise. If any sleuths read People Blog, they've surely figured out by now that we've been preparing for a great show...

LIVE FROM LA!!

Brought to you by PeopleCorp, the same folks who bring you People Blog entries on a daily basis.

Look to the right for more information. Additionally, there will be free champagne for getting drunk, or, if you're a bee, mildly buzzed.

Again:
1822 Hyperion
NOV 8  @9PM

Ghosts

A spooky ghost

Guest post by Angela Chen, my boo and photographer. 

Appearance
The main thing that you'll notice about a ghost is its ghostly skin. They look like everyday people who have transformed into spectres/ghosts. There's a major spookfactor to their pale, ghostly skin, which is see-through. If you want to know what your friend would look like as a ghost, import your favorite picture of him/her into Photoshop--then lower the opacity! I hope this exercise will make you think twice about killing your friend. Casper is a boy ghost with a round head and a tail. The ghost tail is a ghost's signature look, made popular by the "Genie Tip."

Personality & Behaviour
There are four main categories of ghosts: sensitive boy ghosts; vicious girl ghosts with wet hair; murderous ghosts; and Pokemon ghost-types. Ghosts exhibit behaviors that can be observed in normal, live people, such as sobbing, wailing, pulling pranks, haunting/stalking others, floating/drifting, and holding grudges. However, ghosts are usually considered outcasts because of their singular obsession: white sheets with two holes. Ghosts find these irresistible and cannot stop themselves from putting one on. If you see a ghost--STAY AWAY!!! The ghost will probably float through you, leaving you covered in a sheet on Halloween. Boy, will you look lame.

Review
Ghosts are actually pretty great guys, they have some personality issues but who doesn't these days? Ghosts are the complete package, Gastly, Haunter, and Gengar, Peace.

SCORE

800!/17

Cyborgs

Matrix Cyborg Neo leers at the camera,
as he is wont to do in a situation as dire as this

Guest post by Tack Haberdash, of MYTHS RETOLD.

Appearance
Cyborgs are just regular guys with regular lasers attached to their faces. They are just like you and me, if you and me were a cyborg! But we’re not. OR ARE WE? Cyborgs are sometimes hard to spot when they are not shooting their face lasers at everyone. Here are some handy ways to tell if you friend is a Cyborg: he is really good at math, he makes robot noises when he walks around or bends over, he is shooting you with a laser that is inside his face and also he has chainsaw hands. One famous cyborg is Robocop. Another is Donatello from the ninja turtles (cyborg version.) Cyborgs come in all shapes and sizes, but mostly Robocops.

Personality and Behavior
Cyborgs are robots that decided to be human because they got sick of the three laws of robotics. Number one: A robot that tells on another robot is a dead robot. Rule two: Do unto others as you would have them do unto robots. Three: Thou shalt not robots. Wow! Pretty heavy stuff! Robots are heavy, but Cyborgs are less heavy than robots unless the robots are Cylons. No matter how bad it gets, Cyborgs never cry because it is dangerous to cry when your eyes are lasers. Cyborgs would like to have feelings but they can’t because science.

Review
Cyborgs is actually a pretty great guy, he has some personality issues but who doesnt these days? Cyborgs is the complete package, Domo, Arigato, Mr. Roboto, Peace.

SCORE
0101010110111/17

Sasha Grey

I like this

Guest post by Christopher Kocurek, of Home Made Journalism.

Appearance
Sasha Grey appears with dicks. Sometimes dicks are in her butt, vagina, mouth, and hands. She frequently appears to be coated in gooeys that look like wet snot boogers. Sasha Grey is especially famous for appearing with multiple guys (porn-industry term for “men”) at once. You can find Sasha Grey lurking in the internet porn and in the confessions of teenage Catholic boys. Sometimes, Sasha Grey dresses up like things she is not: a nurse, a biscuit, a sailor. This is counter-productive because ultimately her appearance is birthday suit. Only Sasha Grey was born wearing fish-net stockings and six-inch heels. No other baby ever even came close to getting born like that.

Personality & Behaviour
Sasha’s personality is loose. She can’t really get a good grip on anything inside herself anymore. Sasha Grey frequently wonders who she really is. Nurse? Biscuit? Sailor? Sasha Grey frequently behaves in ways that other women would say is “bad” or “grody” or "thats what I like." Sasha behaves like a child of divorce. Because of this, Sasha Grey enjoys Group Activities with lots of guys so that she feels comfortable and safe. This is because when her parents got divorced, she was saved by a group of gangbangers. Also, she likes to get choked. Some psychologists say that Sasha Grey’s behavior is a mirror of famous porn stars like: bigboobs49, wetwat64, nintendo64, and Jenna Jameson.

Review
Sasha Grey is actually a pretty great girl, she has some personality issues but who doesn't these days? Sasha Grey is the complete package, gangbang, creampie, and biscuit. Peace.

SCORE
6/9

Stepdads

"Tie your shoes, son," he said.

Guest post by Annie Caldwell, check out her web-site!

Appearance
Stepdads are exactly everything your mom is looking for in a new daddy for you. They are usually very hairy, they wear old dress pants and have all different kinds of stains everywhere on their clothes! A stepdad's hair is hard-looking, and they smell like the drugstore. They always drive a very old car, but hey, it works and is a little safer than his motorcycle. The stepdad may be named Hank or Steve or Mike but his name is usually Dave. A stepdad's mustache tickles your mom's face, same way your dad's did.

Personality & Behaviour
The reason a stepdad is called a stepdad is the following: STEP because they are the step in between your real daddy and having a great time hanging out with your mom. DAD because they are Doing Awesome Deeds. Stepdads will often call your mother "baby" and "honey" because they love her very much! Stepdads played pigskins when they were in High School, and they are very proud of having scored the basketball game point.

Review
Stepdads are actually pretty great guys, They have some personality issues, but who doesnt these days? Stepdads are the complete package, I, love, and you, Peace.

SCORE
17/17

Barbie

Which is your favorite? Go to PeopleBlogBarbieGuestPost.com,
sign up for a COMPLETELY FREE newsletter and cast
your vote to see if you have the correct favorite 

Special guest post by Laura Petersen, whom you can find on FB.

Appearance
The first thing everybody notices about Barbie, of course, is her body type: she’s a perfect ten inches tall. That’s a lot smaller than most of your friends! She wears high heels though, so nobody ever notices. Sometimes, she’s decapitated Barbie. This means your brother was in your room, and he also probably read your diary. Mom!! Barbie ALWAYS has a smile on her face, even body-less, J. It’s hard to pick Barbie out of a crowd though because she has so many disguises. Ball gowns, Pocahontas costumes, etc. She’s like Where’s Waldo, especially when in Waldo disguise.

Personality & Behaviour
Barbie’s a great role model – she’s a doctor AND a cheerleader. She didn’t even need to go to medical school, that’s just for non-toys. You can also buy Barbie’s boyfriend, Klaus. He’s almost as famous as she is, for his sculpted hair and significant role in the Nazi regime. Barbie has terrible taste in men. Her
friends Skipper and Black Barbie always tell her that. Barbie always wants everyone else to brush her hair and take off her clothes for her (Aqua, 1997). Watch out if she’s your Barbie because it means you’ll be taking care of this shit for life. She doesn’t know how to do it herself because she doesn’t have parents. But come on, she’s also obviously lazy.

Review
Barbie is actually a pretty great girl, she has some personality issues but who doesn’t these days? Barbie is the complete package, plastic, fantastic, (another thing that rhymes with "astic"), Peace.

SCORE
34/24/34

Little Leaguers

Here, batter, batter!

Special guest post by Vincent Johnson, of syncopatedimpressions.tumblr.com

Appearance
They are in the pizza parlor celebrating their victories. They have nicknames like Slugger, Lefty, Pee Wee, and John Wayne. They wear matching outfits so you know they are all about teamwork. They wear baseball caps because they play baseball. They are little leaguers.

Some people think that they are vampires because they have bats. This is just a common misconception. Another common misconception is softball, lol. It isn’t soft!

If you want to meet little leaguers, you need a minivan with a DVD player and DVDs, of course. Even if you only have seats for seven, you can probably fit a lot more. They are little, after all!

Personality & Behaviour
Little leaguers are ready to take one for the team. And by one, I mean a juice box. That’s why they ALWAYS have coolers. People really don’t drink juice boxes these days, but might makes right. And little leaguers are mighty. Another thing about little leaguers is they know it doesn’t matter if you win or lose, because everyone’s a champ! Sometimes, they have parades.

Review
Little leaguers are actually pretty great guys, they have some personality issues but who doesn’t these days? Little leaguers are the complete package, strike one, strike two, and strike three you’re out, Peace!

SCORE
9/17

A Very Special Announcement

Congratulations!
Guest Year begins now!

-People Blog

Apologies

A man holding a coconut

Appearance
I'm sorry for everything, Alex, Ariel, my brother (but not mine) Jacob, Kostya, Ben, Peter, and Tack Haberdash. We have failed you all, here at PeopleCorp Headquarters. We lied to you. We lied as much as a man can lie, to his friend. This was supposed to be your great day, your time to shine. Unfortunately Staff meddled with your glory and now you have jack squat- a metric fuckton of zilch, a batshit crazy amount of "silch." I remember when I was like you, publishing guest posts on People Blogs. I wanted it all and I got it all and I still get it whenever I want. But I got too big for my britches and now each of my britches is soiled/ripped to shards. It's time to confess.

Personality & Behaviour
When you sent me that guest post the other day, I gave it one look and then I fed it to my partner. He fed on it for weeks, digested and shit out a new post. Maybe this is why you find People Blog so "corny!!" and so "ugly!!" not to mention straight up malicious. What I'm trying to say is that People Staff edited your posts w/out consulting you, the mastermind, and obtaining your express permission in writing. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I'm SO SORRY. Tomorrow I'll make it up to you, by starting afresh with a whole 'nother band of guests. We'll leave their shitty posts intact for the world to see on Google Chrome. Netscape users can join in on the fun as well, just hop in the time machine to 2008, jesus.

Anyways...

Review
Rip Steve Jobs NOW, or I'll do it.

SCORE
GUEST WEEK STARTING OCOTBER 99!

Robbers

Please help me against this robber

Appearance
Masked with a black mask and a striped shirt like your favorite type of xebra. The masque was originally developed by its creators to deal with skiing, but luckily for robbers the conditions in a robbable house are very similar, ie slopes, and there's also plenty of snow to steal for profit in there. Don't expect to actually see the robber though. They employ a special sort of "C.A.M.O" to cloak themselves to get your favorite jewels, gems and prizes. The "C.A.M.O" is that they slink across the floor like a sick snake slithering for your sums. Quick Tip: to prevent their "camouflage" from working, install snake charmers throughout the zone. Their weird alibaba shit instantly knocks them out and puts them right where they belong - behind bars. Robbers love to go to bars, where every drink is at their disposal, like Rum or even contemporary Buds and Pilsner Lights. Robbers look ugly under their masks but don't try to take it off because it hurts them and you'll need to apply your best salve to their tender spots. These topical ointments are generally sold in tubes but they should probably be called Oinkments because there's a pig there. Show a little love for these robbers... not everyone was prom king and queen in high school and so some people have to rob, so just fork it over already, and maybe when you pass a homeless man on the street, consider his feelings as you walk by, lying to him about whether you have change or even a dollar and then spitting on his dead body, already half buried in four days' worth of sleet, blood caked all over his reeking clothes and putrid privates (yuck); a yucky overflowing traschcan casts its sinister shadow over this corpse, preventing you from realizing that he is in fact covered in the footprints of us apathetic cityfolk. Be that as it may, a little white mouse nestles in his cool beard and the circle of life starts again.

Personality & Behaviour
Robsters, not lobsters, not snobsters, especially not jobsters, but probably snobsters in their own way, probsters. Syntax Error 9499. Ok, reconfigured our server netscapes. Let's get back to the post. Ugh, but I lost my place. Hold on, let me reread all this first. Ok, ready to write! Let's go! I once shoplifted from American Apparel. Plus I shoplifted a scent spray for my girl and I think that I know why robbers always look so pleased. Being able to satisfy your wife with gifts causes her to emit high-pitched sonic frequencies that look effing fantastic and, like an Opera singer addressing a wine glass, shatter your cock to the next level of pleasure. Now THAT'S a rob well done.

Review
Robbers are actually pretty great guys, they have some personality issues but who doesn't these days? Robbers are the complete package, Bernie Madoff, hamburglar, and Catch Me If You Can by Leonardo d'Caprio, Peace.

SCORE
17/17... Wait, weren't they originally allotted 15 pts.? Where did those 2 extra pts. come from? Oh man, we better check all of our posts. ah fuck, i can't believe they've done this

Bill Shakespeare

Shakespeare along with his lucky feather

Appearance

Ruffled ruffs. No it's not a dog, it's Bill Shakespeare! That, along with tights and a codpiece, are his Signature fashions. For example, if Bill Shakespeare were to wake up, say, and get dressed, he'd put on ruffled ruffs, along with tights and a codpiece, rathre than the trousres of present-day times. He had the unkempt white hair of a genius. When he walked down the street, onlookres were blinded by his strut but usually he did not strut- low confidence. Howevre, the days AFTRE he had written, say, a mastrepiece he was feeling pretty good and then he would go out to just strut it out. But on the days when he wrote flops, he'd just flop about, like a fish - halibut, out of watre. He had a fat face with hair on it. His chubby arms dangled feebly like lard-filled daggres. His waist had extra fat from the good food. Whenevre you think of him please remembre that he did NOT have a gym membreship to 24 or LA, where you can find People Blog staff for sure, flexing their guns and then swimming. No, no, he went to Bally's Total Fitness and Gold's Gym. The harmful combination of these two gyms may have cost him his health, but it is these gyms that inspired our greatest works of Books in time. These books contain the wondreful worlds, creepy creatures and inventive incantations of none othre than Bill Shakespeare, but more on that latre.

2 hours latre...

Personality & Behaviour

A mastre wordsmith, Bill Shakespeare invented almost 40 percent of the words in the English language. But in his own time, people hardly undrestood him when he spoke, considreing most of his words uttre gibbreish-talk. Latre, humans were able to deciphre his macaber lexicon and now we have mastrepieces to read. However, despite his strange mannre, Bill Shakespeare was actually a strange creep. His creepy tendencies such as Peeping Bill have been downplayed by historians around the globe-- because they're all just a bunch of sheeple, Bill the shepherd of this ungodly herd. Speaking of shepherds, Bill was an employee of Sbarros while he was young and trying to make it big. This is why most of his books feature Sbarros as the setting and as major charactres and plot points. Due to trademark issues most of these works have nevre been released and they were bettre than his othre works so that's a shame. Next time you want take-out pizza, considre Domino where they really cheese it up, plus sauce and whatevre else you want on a " 'zza ." 

Fun Facts About Billiam

1} He nevre did the same thing twice

2]  Heart problems

3-  He was a great champion of animals' rights to do whatevre they want

4> One thing an animal can do is jump, eat, swim, and joke

5)  For animals, these are forms of play

6.  Play was Shakespeare's favorite subject in school, that's why he wrote so many of 'em ;)

7* People Blog has been unable to secure more facts about Bill so why don't you the readre give it a try? Forward in an email any helpful tips, tricks, and secrets to PeopleBlog.com@hotmail.com, and we'll check our inbox for any favorable tips, tricks, secrets, etc, hoping for the best, yet also feeling sick.

Review

Bill Shakespeare was actually a pretty great guy, he had some personality issues but who didn't in those days? Bill Shakespeare was the complete package, double, double, toil and trouble, Peace.

SCORE
5/17 In honor of Shakespeare's favorite numbre 5.17

Sluts

A slut grinding on me right now

Appearance
Like a fine wine, a slut will have a very unbuttoned blouse and will be either red or white with a cork. Mazel tov. Their pussies are dripping wet, like wine or any other champagne you can think of, such as Andre Champagne for cheap. The fact that their pussy juice is carbonated is a major double-edged sword: ouch; yum. Tits are firm and supple but not without nips. The absence of nips on a hot slut basically means: "Nix that, she's not hot after all," you said to your wingman. "Thanks for helping me break the ice with this beautiful slut but my interests lie elsewhere." "See ya," said Wing. My friend Montgomery Wing always assists me with these kinds of things... Like he says, stop telling girls about the time when you couldn't get a girl so you had to go home. Instead, tell them about when you simply went home. This will plant a hypnotic suggestion inside their small puny brains, motivating them to eventually go home too, possibly with you if you have a guestroom. Anyways they look great and overall just really a babe, just ask her out man what's there to lose? Platinum blonde, with full red lips and eyes, hips like your dreams and ass like you cream when you jack it off. They don't have horrible dark bags under their eyes like those fucking tired girls. True princesses also have triple Ds- no straight As here bookworm. I'm referring to breasts- B. R. E ASTS that's the ticket!!!

Personality & Behaviour
Usually benign but you don' wanna bring her over to big momma's hou'. Sluts exhibit no behavior whatsoever. More properly, you'd say they exhibit misbehavior. Give a slut a cookie and you'll get a slut who won't be able to suk your dick during the time it takes to eat one. Sluts can't run but they can trip and fall next to monsters and then the monsters have their way which is the way of EATING you alive when you are vulnerable to them. Sluts also know the best places in the city to get laid by johns. If you ask a slut how to get laid, you'll get answers, I'll tell you that. The answer will be here's how, just put it in me when the time is right. -- Hold on a sec, I just realized something... Even high class women are sluts, in a way... Their husbands buy them dinner and nice houses, and then they get sex, just like men for sluts do. How shallow. How based. Men are just based gods, women their bases to camp the dick at. Don't you see? We have to do something about this vicious cycle that just eats sluts' pussies up and kicks those pussies to the side of the road, like pussy debris. Kill your TV- don't be brainwashed by Gilmore Girls or any of those other womanizing curb your enthusiasms. Tucker Max says to take the girls by the horns - boob horns that is!!! - but watch out for anal because you might have a hilarious poop related story on your hands to tell all your friends and your bestselling book and blog. Remember, sluts only want one thing and that one thing is her deepest desire since she was a girl.

Review
Sluts are actually pretty great gals, they have some personality issues but who doesn't these days? Sluts are the complete package, suck, fuck, you're in luck my friend, Peace.

SCORE
6/9

Javier Bardem

Jav and Pen swimming at their snooty, high
class vacation resort in Palm Sproings!

Appearance
He is a famous movie actor, so I'm sure you know what he looks like if you've ever been to the moving flicks. If you haven't seen" Untitled Terrence Malick Project (2012) "the newest upcoming Bardem raunchfest, then that's probably because your dad isn't a dues-paying member of the Screen Actors Guild who gets you into screenings of the latest Bardem raunchfests ;). Anyways, that means you don't know what he looks like so his description is as such: hair like your dad's worst nightmare -- ie black hair. Your dad is afraid of, shall we say, black hair!!! He looks like Homo Heidelbergensis, including the sloping fourhead, the sloping squatbones, and the cool spearheads. If he lived back in cave times, he would probably act in movies made from stones instead of the hi-tech camcorders of today- Nikon. Plus Biutiful would not have had as many contenders and therefore may have scraped a Tony for movies. Therefore, his giant face is not a total loss for us all. We haven't seen his peepee so no one knows what THAT looks like but we do know that Penne Cruz likes it so at the very least the peep matches her specific twat specifications.

Personality & Bejavier Bardem
                    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
                    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^
                    ^^^^^^^^^^^
                    ^^^^^^^^^
                    ^^^^^^^
                    ^^^^^
                    ^^^
                    ^
                    :)

Review
Javier Bardem is actually a pretty great guy, he has some personality issues but who doesn't these days? Javier Bardem is the complete package, eat, pray, love, Peace.

SCORE
17/17 Biutiful

Workers

"Aww but boss, do I HAVE to?" Michael, John
and Timothy chanted together in unison, as if in temple.
But a smile cracked upon Michael's face, and John
couldn't contain his mirth. It occurred to Timothy
that the joke might be at his expense, but he chose to ignore
 it, coming as it did from two dumb workers like himself.

Happy Labour Day from People Blog Staff. 

Appearance

Grimy like Skrillex, with a hardhat. Workers have muscles growing under their skin in every conceivable spot. Their calloused fingertips are a powerful tool for industry, and are useful for pointing, prodding, and stroking the products they create at the factory. With hands like these, it is understood that the worker actually has difficulty stroking It. Not to mention fingerfucks (in the puzzy (or tuzhy)). There is a strange expression out there called "Fingers like Sand, don't fingerfuck me," and I think that rings true for workers, cos when it comes to their wives, they love their wife. Anyways, the worker looks like a weathered Indian leatherface. Early on in your life, the workers you will encounter will be exclusively lunchladies but later they evolve into cool miners to get gold and ore. Once a miner has found enough gold, they are no longer workers, as they possess capital and thus they are part of a different socioeconomic class now.

Personality & Behaviour
There is a strange expression out there called "You are what you eat," but for a worker, it would be "work hard to achieve your true goals." Unfortunately, some workers get Fired. Don't ask. This cruel practice by bosses of burning their employees with the diss of Firing them (ouch) is gay and one of the main reasons why workers do "I Quit!" When a worker is treated well, expect the opposite: "I Stay!" They are very loyal and a good friends to all. Wetback workers are the best workers around. Take your worker of any ethnicity to a swimming pond and hold him by his front, slowly letting him dip back into the gently cooling waters. Allow his back to soak and moisten until it achieves a glistery shine. Now, your wetback fucking worker is ready to do cheap labor. The advantages of a wetback worker are twofold.

Unfortunately, workers are no longer with us anymore, as they've been replaced by machine labour. Industries such as lunch and mines have become infested by what scifi enthusiasts might term "bots" or "frightening bots." I wonder if the movie of Starwar ever thought of that!! Oh wait, that was only clones.

Review
Workers are actually pretty great guys, they have some personality issues but who doesn't these days? Workers are the complete package, all work, no play, that's work, Peace.

SCORE17/17

The Police

The highest jumping officer to date -- Deputy Shrawn

Appearance
Their muscular physiques are sheathed in bullet-proof police uniforms. Polished like steel, yet delicate as a police flower, The Police are true specimens of their kind. The glocks they carry look fierce, yet proper and lawful. The Police sport savory mustaches to camouflage with the gentlemen they have to hunt down. When necessary, these patrollers get cool glasses to beat the heat. In Cali, where I'm from, an additional sun visor is of course required. This gives them the appearance of this awesome guy, but watch out because they can apprehend you or even warn you to stop. Printed on the back of their uniform is a list of laws that you must obey. Fun Tip: If you want to avoid getting caught, just keep them from turning around to see their backs. The best way to do this is to tempt them with power. Recruit a powerful friend to flex in front of The Police so you can break your favorite law or rule.

Personality & Behaviour
Two cops to a car, no more, otherwise how can the car go so fast? Plus how to arrest? Prime directive 1 for law officers is to enforce laws which may involve arresting. Use any means at your disposal- including but not limited to cuffs, harsh language, and good cop bad cop. Good cop bad cop is a classic mind trick during which one cop is really great and the other one does his job poorly, like dropping his prison keys or forgetting his wife's anniversary [Please follow us on our FaceBook.com Page] again. Once this technique is executed, the soon-to-be jailbird admits it and gets booked, hard. They could even arrest the President, dude. Once the Pres is arrested by a lieutenant or Deputy Shrawn, our governors and mayors will be deactivated, paving the way for anarchy at last.

The Police have a firm grip and are good at obstacle courses... They can jump nearly as high as FBI agents, but in general prefer merely to patrol. Their aim is true. Their aim is blue. Their aim is... YOU! So if you want to stay safe, don't look directly into the gun. Like in speech class, look near the forehead of the gun if you're nervous. Remember, The Police are famed sticklers. They stickler this and that, and don't be surprised when you can't do your favorite crime. They tend to hate on even the gentlest of robbers and the coolest of rapers.

Police can only be arrested by Bigger Police. But I'll leave you with one last question... What if the Bigger Cops raped?

Review
The Police are actually pretty great guys, they have some personality issues but who doesn't these days? The Police are the complete package, protect, serve, and conquer, Peace.

SCORE
16.314/17

Sleepyheads

WARNING: written under the influence of EXTREMELY HIGH DOSES of Sleep Feelings.

Appearance

Even DOG-Z67gamma294 can get the occasional
catnap in sometimes ;) Just don't overdo it

Sleepyheads have crusty eyes from frequent contact with sandmen. These scabbed scabies eyes help keep out the light. That's the plus side. The bad, yucky side is that their eyes are too gross to sleep, so the Sleepy will often resort to, let's just say... alternatives. Alternatives to sleep include lounging, napping, or catnaps, or even powernaps if maximum business is your true calling. Your average sleepyhead can be found in a variety of positions and colours, including Tall, Short, BIG, small, lying down with red eyes, and reclined: stripe. Sleepyheads droop like Sad Man, but don't confuse the two. Sleepies still have the wife to sleep with. Sad Men are just newfags. They do not feel sleepy, even though if they are very sad they might decide to suicide and sleep forever, for eternity infinitely. "To infinity and beyond," is the motto of many suicide enthusiasts like a famous toy.... Buzz Lightyear. There's a kernel of truth to that, but don't take it with a grain of salt, and if you do just throw it over your shoulder for bad luck prevention. It would be VERY bad luck if you sleepwalked off a cliff or sleeptalked your biggest crush, Jen, so knock on wood and we recommend Sleepytime Chameleon Type Tealeaves to munch on before bed.

Personality & Behaviour
When you enter a deep sleep, your biggest wishes come true in your dreams. Dreams are a sort of movie that play in your head, only now YOU'RE the star. Your wildest dreams will come true in your dreams, like flying power, radioactivity, man-made lakes, and all sorts of other X-Men you want to be, such as Wolferine or Professor X. There are 2 kinds of Specialty Dreams: lucid dreams and wet dreams, but let's just talk about wets first. During a wet, you visualize a stranger on a train alone with you in your compartment and she's only wearing one pair o' panties. Let me at 'er! The bra is very loose and easy to remove which is a relief because your hands are clammy and you don't even have any in this dream, she removes her own bra for you and then she takes it out and she sucks it. What's "it," you, the reader, ask? Nothing. It was all a dream. When you wake up, you've spilled water everywhere which is why it's so sticky with cum. THAT'S why people become Sleepyheads.

Review
Sleepyheads are actually pretty great guys, they have some personality issues but who doesn't these days? Sleepyheads are the complete package, 1 sheep, 2 sheep, zzzzzz, Peace.

SCORE
6/17

Babies

A tyke with his arms and legs spread-eagled 

Guest post by Peter S, who dislikes our blog.

Appearance

You can ID a new baby because it wasn’t there a second ago, and now, splash, it is. Babies are usually surrounded by people making faces they think babies will like. Babies have lots of different smells, from “new” to “used”. No baby looks like its parent until it finally grows a face. Babies also have more baby mittens than anyone else you know. Also, they almost never wear the same baby mitten twice. Sometimes babies stop breathing for no apparent reason.

Personality & Behaviour
These young tots are part diva, part exotic pet, and very cute acting. Feeding a baby a lemon results in cute sputters, coughs and other signs of distress. Be sure to remove the lemon carefully, or it might get more deeply lodged in the baby’s widdle tiny throat. Babies are poor linguists and have very little endurance or patience for strenuous activity, but that's fine, no one really likes public speaking or marathons, and babies are just up front about it. Sometimes a baby will simply die because it is no longer breathing. This mystic, trippy force who takes the baby away is called Sid. After Sid has strangled these babies, they die and turn to piles of dust. This dust has many practical uses, like covering your best friend in cool dust! Shower time.

Babies stop being babies when a younger baby shows up, or when it starts talking too much. At this point, a baby generally Morphs, like a young soft little worm hatching into a cool butterfly.

Review
Babies are actually pretty great. They have some personality issues but who doesn't these days? Babies are the complete package, placenta, cord, and the womb, Peace.

SCORE
0/17

Charlie Sheens

contact music.corm for more info

Special guest post by Jacob Goldin, brother bear and former Violent Jaye

Appearance
Charlie Sheens have many different ways of looking to enforce their many mysterious illusions. Charlie Sheens are also sometimes portrayed as Veteran Vietnam Veterans. Charlie Sheens look occasionally panicked or frantic, but that’s just the way they are sometimes. Some Charlie Sheens have different television shows, like shows on TLC, FX, USA Network, and Channel 4. These shows feature at least one Sheen and an accompanying cast, plus editing and directing and gaffers, best boy. When the best boy grows up, he might just be the best man for the job- your Wedding Man.

Personality & Behaviour
The Charlie Sheen might come off as erratic to the common viewer, but generally has a sweet soul. Charlie Sheens frequently might jump out at you, but keep in mind they mean no harm. Basically, Charlie Sheens are fairly approachable men, who one might go to for counsel. To make friends with a Sheen, one might simply slap his leg twice with his left hand–allowing the Sheen to relax– then once in a calm state approach the Sheen from his rear and gently rub his back with a sensual touch.

Review
Charlie Sheens are actually pretty great guys, they have some personality issues but who doesnt these days? Charlie Sheens are the complete package, sugar, spice, and everything nice!!, Peace.

SCORE
15/17

Usain Bolt

"Yotzee! I got a yotzee!!!" That's five dice the same

special guest post by Kostya Kavutskiy, chess Wizkid

Appearance
Fast, this is a speedy individual. A yellow, green, and blacc blur, Usain St. Leo Bolt is known to many as the fastest mammal on the planet. Young, well-toned, and a bright star, his aero-dynamic face is perfect for promoting really good products that have utility or high flavor. Swift and public in his dancing, he's never been still for a photograph, despite many attempts.

Personality & Behavior
A hard-working, trustworthy, cereal eating athlete. He can do nothing else but sprint. With 3 olympic gold medals to his name and the fact that he once ran 100 meters in 9.58 seconds (with no tailwind), wow, great. But also his surname is just too perfect. Also he's been known to attend parties hosted by Jamaica countryman Sean Kingston. Don't forget he's also quite laid-back and relaxed! He'll train only to run, but never will he run for a train. “Ja” has never succeeded in makin him crazy; it's the vibrant culture and weedsmokethick atmosphere of Jamrock itself that makin him crazy.

Review
Usain Bolt is a pretty great chillaxin cheetah, he has some personality issues but who doesnt these days? Usain Bolt is the complete package, the nimble, the quick, and the jumping over the candle-stick, Peace.

SCORE

9.58/17

Shooters

A Shooter carefully taking aim on his latest
target, an innocent white mouse

Appearance

Shooters have oversize AK-47s and big-ass trenches for coats. They can usually be seen alone at the cafeteria; the only one who pays attention to them is the bully. Bullies tend to home in on their trenches, first. "Where'd you get that big-ass trench, Mister? What are you hiding under that big-ass trench, a gun? You dumb idiot shooter." After that, the bully homes in on the shooter's tiny little dick, which is sticking out of his fly for some reason. "Wow," he screeches. "Wo! Behold, my brethren, schoolchildren at this school, take a look at limpy. Softer than my soft velvet at home. Come on! Get hard!" he wheezes. Everyone laughs at Shooter, like the girl he secretly likes Jen. Little do they know in the privacy of his home he does in fact get hard for Jen. He doesn't reveal this fact, cries some bullets, and leaves. This shooter is dark.

Personality & Behaviour

Shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot. That's the sound he constantly imitates when he's thinking of guns, which is usually the case with Shooter. His mind is like an impenetrable fortress: it has a moat, with crocks. Crocks are something of a hobby animal for Shooters- you can easily see why, no better animal to fill with lead. Shooters have Etsy accounts where they sell their handmade crock handbags and slippers, plus Croc brand shoes. NEVER buy from a Shooter's Etsy because you will undoubtedly receive a trench instead of whatever you ordered. Or worse, a gun. And then where will you be leaving this poor Shooter? He'll be completely bare and unarmed, nude to the core like skeletons. 

His AK is well-oiled and very very strong. Sleek, and hard, there's also a little horn on top for honking just for fun. His gunn has recoil effects but don't expect a Shooter to recoil in horror because that's what the gun's for. As for a name, just call me X. In regards to the gun's name, though, Hank the Gun! Shooter and Hank the Gun are a match made in the fiery furnaces of LIVING HELL.. if you get on top of his Baddside, don't expect to be rewarded with candies and other treats/sweets/whatever. Prepare yourself for the coming onslaught of AK-47s; you'll be buried beneath them in no time at all. Help me! Get me out of these guns! But would you help someone like that? -------> Sound off below. Roger, that.

Review
Shooters are actually pretty great guys, they have some personality issues but who doesnt these days? Shooters are the complete package, columbine, v-tech, and Gabrielle Giffords, Peace.

SCORE
0.0883/17, for effort

God

Controversial blacc U-GOD as seen in Bruce Almighty 1,
box office smash hit success

Appearance
Tall, first of all. Yao Ming is a famous tall man; imagine someone double his height, and triple his weight. Usually, God has thick, warm, white robes on, with a beard too. God is truly warped, like some Escher painting, MC Escher. If God were to put on a hat, who knows what kind of hat it would be, because God can do Anything. You haven't even considered .00001% of the possible sorts of hats that can be donned by God (Goddonned) and I don't expect you to. However, just to be on the safe side, God usually just wears a pope hat and a messenger Boy hat on top of his trademark pope hat. On the safer side, and on a good day, he simply wears a hybrid of the two, like toyota Prious. His most famous feature is probably his scarface, but that's excusable due to he got fucked up.

Personality & Behaviour
Beyond our knowing. Like Lord Voldemort, God is also my sweet lord by Jorj Harris. Top researchers say that he most likely is A-Type personality, super-aggressive and a go-getter, more likely to get your favorite job than you. God's friends are his angels; his enemy: Satan. Remember when God was young? He was so random. But now, God uses tips, tricks and secrets to bend reality to his will. He has the ability to kill ANYONE on Planet Earth. In a similar fashion, if he chose to, he could also put anyone into a mindnumbing trance that hypnotizes them completely. Once enough of these slaves have been manufactured, he can have them all fight each other at last.

God commandments abound like no smoking or even doing your neighbour's wife. You can't even e-cig or e-sleep with your neighbour's babe. Hookah is out of the question, and don't even try to be a homo. Do you have wishes? Prayer them, that's the ticket. God can answer Prays! If you Pray, don't expect it to be answered immediately. Pray it, don't spray it.

U-God is an entirely different beast of a horse of an entirely different sort of colour. Monumental wrap group Wutang Clang employed U-God to spice up their wraps. Little did they know that he was such a U-GOD. He solved Da mystery of chessboxin and went on to defeat Bobby Fisher, chess wizkhalifa. U-God's powers rival God's but ultimately, when it comes down to it, more people know about God so that's a wrap.

Review
God is actually a pretty great guy, He has some personality issues but who doesnt these days? God is the complete package, the Father, Son, and the Ghost, Peace.

SCORE
3.1415926/17

Homos

Homo Heidelbergensis, nicknamed "Salc" by discoverer Salk Q.

Appearance
When God wrote the Bible earlier he stipulated that he made Adam and Eve and not Adam and Steve. When God wrote Stuart Little, he decreed that the main character would be a little white mouse, not Adam and Steve. And when God wrote Dune, he decided that the spice must flow, not the cum from Adam or Steve or worse both together in unison. The reason for this is fuck faggots: think about it. Have you ever pictured what a gay sex sesh is like? Dick here, dick there, dick here, dick there -- ahH! That oughta hurt. Impossibly flexible, undeniably sleek, really buff, and pretty reasonable, and totally awesome, homos represent the pinnacle of human evil. Twinks look like evil little boys, bears look like evil old bears, and otters are furry little guys. The ONLY redeeming factor of a homo is his DSL. If he has real good DSL, he can really handle your down-load even if it is many megabytes or even gigabytes on mediafire or just a torrent of your favorite music. Either way, if you haven't looked in to it, right now is the best time to get a new Macbook Pro Air.

Personality & Behaviour
Gay homos have one eensy-weensy, miniscule, germ-sized, tiny little problem: can't get any puss. Even though girls find themselves flocking to gay men, the homos simply can't make the move. They can't even r*pe a woman at gunpoint. It should be noted however that r*pe isn't about sex, it's about power. Do the math: if you bed over 90 women, you get 180 power points. Most gay men don't even use PowerPoint, they use Keynote.

Frequently Asked Qs:

• Q: Where do gay people buy their condoms? A: The condom store just like everyone else!
• Q: What's the best part of a gay blowjob? A: All the cum.
• Q: How does a gay dike woman have sex? A: With scissors. Ouch. 
• Q: Is being gay caused by upbringing or by jeans? A: A combination of jeans and upbringing is the current theory. Some jeans are simply gay, like Gay Levi's. If you choose Levi's you are more likely to end up straight. 
• Q: How come gay people are so afraid of the AIDS virus?

Review
Homos are actually pretty great guys, they have some personality issues but who doesn't these days? Homos are the complete package, Elton John, Magic Johnson, and just regular guys like you and me, Peace.

SCORE
Geight/17